Slugs and Snails
by todd fan
Summary: COMPLETE! The 4th in the 'pick on a group' series, the boys are packed off to Australia, much to Pyro's delight
1. Big boys don't cry

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "A joke's a joke but this goes some way beyond the realms of light entertainment!"

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Ooooh yes, I have returned with a vengance. With the lovely peacefull lull in Uni work, I can get back to what I love most, writing, yey! Here is the promised (and long overdue) fourth story in the 'pick on a certain group' category. For those that haven't read the other three in the series (they are listed in order in my author profile, if you're wondering) don't panic, there are only little things like a few original characters and events that'll pop up now and again, nothing major, you should find it easy to follow. This fic, as the name suggests, focuses on the boys, yes, that's right, teen boy torture, party on!.

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Chapter 1 - Big boys don't cry

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"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Xavier gave a long, patient sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Please, Scott, you're making a scene".

"Good", said Scott, "'cause it's unjust, so I'LL MAKE AS BIG A SCENE AS I WANT!!!"

"Shut yer trap, One-Eye or I'll shut it fer ya", growled Logan.

Scott's shouting quickly died into a pathetic whimper.

"But, Professor.....whyyyy?"

Xavier folded his hands together, making the little ball of dread in Scott's stomach grow even tighter. The Professor only did that when he was explaining something....something bad.

"The girls had to go through the same thing", he said, "it would be unfair to allow the boys of the group to get away with not doing it".

"But why do we have to work with THEM?!", growled Scott, pointing to the Acolytes and Brotherhood.

"I don't want to go with you, either, Summers", growled Lance, narrowing his eyes.

"I'd rather be anywhere else dan some stupid camp", muttered Remy, "Remy LeBeau does not 'do' camps".

"It isn't a camp", smiled Hank, "it's a skills and adventure programe".

"It's a camp", said Remy, crossing his arms sulkily.

"Sulk all you like, Gambit", said Magneto pointedly, "you're still going. So there".

"But there won't be any women", whined Remy.

"I think that's the point", smirked Magneto.

Scott gave a defeated sigh.

"Okay, okay", he said, hanging his head, "how long?".

"Three weeks", said Xavier with a smile.

"WHAT?", shouted Kitty, bursting in from where she'd 'not' been evesdropping, "that's, like, waaaaay less than what we girls had to!".

"Yes, but 'you girls'", stated Hank, "took a detor to Las Vegas, remember? I'm sure YOU remember Kitty"

"We NEVER talk about Las Vegas!", snapped Kitty, "NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!!".

Roberto gave a small whimper, curling into a foetal position on the rug, begining to rock.

"See, now you've upset Roberto", said Sam with a frown, "don't worry about it, Roberto, we won't mention it again".

"Bad Elvis, bad Elivs", whimpered Roberto.

Xavier blinked, before clearing his throat.

"Yes, well", he said, "in light of the previous 'adventure'..which incidentally cost me alot of money..."

"Not THAT much", said Kitty with a shrug.

"You and Roberto's....problem, the tattoo, the bannings from Las Vegas..."

"That wasn't technically all MY fault", spoke up Wanda from where she was standing with the Brotherhood, "Toad was a part of it too"

"With you all the way, Snookums", smiled Todd, nuzzling her.

"Get a room!", said Bobby with a shudder.

"I would, if I wasn't bein' dragged away, yo", said Todd.

"No girls makes Pietro a sad, sad young adult", sniffed Pietro.

"That goes double for Remy", said Remy.

"ENOUGH!", snapped Xavier, "you're all going so you can just clam up and bloody well like it!!!!".

The room went silent, blinking at him. Xavier cleared his throat.

"I think the major problem we had last year, bar from sending the girls to a camp too close to Las Vegas", he said, "was the simple fact that the boys could get to them. It was only when the boys snuck their way inside that things went rather...pear shaped".

"I think 'pear shaped' is an understatement, Charles", sighed Magneto, "it was worse than a soap opera plot"

"Indeed", said Xavier, "hence why I am spending a little extra to send you boys away....far, far FAR away".

"How 'far, far, FAR away', exactly?", asked Fred, worry begining to show on his features.

"Australia".

"AUSTRALIA?!!!", cried Scott, "but that's the other side of the world!!!!!"

"My point, exactly", smiled Xavier.

"YEYYYYYY!", said Pyro, laughing more manically than usual, "look out, Oz, St. John's comming home!".

"See, Pyro's happy about the destination", said Magneto with a smug smile.

"That's because he IS Austrailian!", protested Piotr, then paused, "which begs the question...does Australia really want him back?".

"Probably not", said Bobby, "if I was Australia, I wouldn't want him back".

Pyro, apparently, was too happy to take notice, he'd already lauched into a verse of 'Waltzing Matilda'. Kurt raised one, furry hand.

"Does this mean I don't get to see Amanda for three weeks?".

"Yes", said Xavier with a nod, "that also goes for no Jean, no Wanda, no Rogue, no Rahne and certainally NO Kitty".

"Awwwwwwwwww", said the boys sadly.

"Wait a minute", snapped Kitty, "we had to go to a rotten, smelly wood, while they get to live it up in sunny Australia? That's HARDLY fair!".

"Would it make you feel better if I told you they were spending all their time in a farm in the outback of Queensland, away from pretty much everything?".

Kitty thought about this.

"Yes, yes I do feel better", she said, grabbing Wanda's arm, "come on, Wanda, let's leave the boys get ready for their trip".

"Don't touch me", hissed Wanda as she was dragged away.

"Well, I'm not going and you can't make me", said Pietro, crossing his arms stubbonrly, "I don't like manual labour".

"We can't make you?", asked Magneto, amused, "my dear boy, you clearly don't know us well at all, do you?"

Pietro's stubborn smirk faltered.

"We have already taken the liberty of packing your bags", said Xavier, "they are all on the Blackbird, awaiting for your departure...which is now".

Any boys that would have tried to make a break for it found themselves being pushed along by magnetic force into the Blackbird.

"All aboard for Australia", grinned Logan from the cockpit, "yer home for the next three weeks"

"YEEEAH!", laughed Pyro happily, the only person happily walking onto the jet of his own accord. This is ripper, mate!".

"Oh my God", sobbed Scott, "they aren't all like HIM are they? I don't think I could take it if they were!!!".

"If dey aren't", whispered Remy, "I bet dey all talk like him. I bearly understand him at the best of times".

"Oh, come on guys, cheer up", said Jamie optimistically, "think of all the native wildlife we'll get to see: kangaroos, koalas, and Steve Irwin".

"Oh...goodie", said Ray dryly, "well, I'M looking forward to this trip even MORE now...NOT!!!".

"Stop whining", said Pyro with a sniff, "you're runing homecoming for me!".

"I thought you came from Sidney, not Queensland", pointed out Piotr.

"Yes, but I'll still be in Australia", pouted Pyro, "and I'll visit Sidney, ooooh I can see my family again!!!!"

"The very thought of there being MORE of you is terrifying beyond all rational reason", muttered Bobby.

Scott sighed sadly, looking out of the window as the Blackbird left the mansion. Left Bayville. Left America.

"This is going to be a long, long trip".

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Bwahahahahaha!!! Oh, the fun I'm going to have with this one. Pyro fans rejoice, our Aussie friend will be in his element. Do review. Until next time....


	2. Down under down under

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I'm gonna roll around on the floor for a while. KAY?"

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Silver-angel-fae - Ooooh a REAL Aussie reading, yey! Yeah, I knew a New Zelander in school (not the same thing, but you get what I'm saying). Not to worry, I won't be overly steryotypical, I love Oz, if it weren't so far away and expensive to go, I would ;)

Kilona - Well, I don't officially take requests in this series, but if you have anything in mind, do post it in your review, it might worm its way in. :D

Little Byrdie - Oooh ANOTHER Aussie! I spelt Sydney wrong? Gah, I spelt it like my character, my bad. Anyway, Pyro is from Sydney, or at least his comic version was.

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Chapter 2 - Down under Down Under.

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By the time the Blackbird was flying over Australia, most to the boys were in a state of intense jetlag. Lance, with his phobia of flying, had been holding tightly to his chair seat the whole way there, and nothing would move him, even when his knuckles began to turn white. Of course, matters hadn't helped with Pyro yapping on for most of the trip of how happy he was he could go home, and all the things he would do when he got there.

"Pyro, please shut up", groaned Piotr, "my head is really hurting".

Pyro gave him a glare, about to retort back when he heard a squeak. He blinked, turning in the direction of the sound...which happened to be Sam.

"What was that?".

Sam glanced around nervously.

"Errrr...nothing", he said with a nervous laugh, "nothing at all"

Jamie leaned over, examining Sam's jacket.

"He's got a MOUSE!".

Sam groaned.

"Thanks, Jamie".

"You're welcome", said Jamie with a smile.

"Sam, why the heck do you have a mouse with you?", said Scott, frowning.

"Because he's ma'h pet mouse, and a'h don't trust the girls to look after him".

Pyro looked at him pointedly.

"That thing is not getting off this plane", he said, crossing his arms, "it would cause havok in Australia's very delicate ecosystem. We're still suffering from when some idiot decided to release cane toads. It is my duty as an Australian to not allow you to bring that non-native creature onto Australian soil" (1)

Sam blinked, giving a nervous twitch. To see Pyro SERIOUS about something was quite frightening.

"Give the damn thing to me", muttered Logan from the cockpit, "I'll take it home"

Sam sighed, standing up, giving Pyro and his glare a wide berth, heading into the cockpit and depositing the mouse onto Logan's hand.

"Don't worry, I won't let Rahne eat it", said Logan with a smirk, plopping the mouse into his jacket pocket.

Sam sighed, moping sadly back to his seat. His duty done, Pyro's serious face vanished and he looked out of the window.

"Hey, the airport's coming up!", he said, laughing happily.

Ray squinted out of the window.

"I don't see it".

"It's right there, ya galla", said Pyro, pointing out of the window.

Roberto glanced through it, before frowning.

"...That tiny little dirt track?".

"There you go!", grinmed Pyro, "see, Sunspeck can see it!"

"That is NOT an airport!", said Kurt, his voice raising an octave in terror, "that is a quick and firey death!".

"Logan, you can't seriously be considering LANDING there, can yo?", shouted Scott.

"Well, all major airports are too far away from where we want ta be", said Logan, then smirked, "I suggest ya put ya seatbelts on, this'll be a bumpy ride".

The second he finished his sentance, there was a loud clicking sound as every seatbelt in the place was hurriedly put on.

"I hate flying, I hate flying, I hate flying, I hate flying", chanted Lance, his eyes screwed tightly shut. (2)

"If I die", said Todd with a whimper, "tell Wanda I love her. I want a fancy funeral. Lotsa flowers".

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!", laughed Pyro happily, clapping his hands, "this is great!".

The rest of the group could only scream in terror as the Blackbird landed down with a thud on the small area that served as a runway. The Blackbird skidded forwards for what seemed like an eternity, before coming to a stop.

"There we go", said Loagn, dusting his hands, "texbook landin'".

Lance shot up out of his seat, racing for the door.

"Let me out, let me out, let me out!", he screamed, then fell out as Logan opened the door, racing for the nearest bush.

"Remind me to make fun of him for that later", said Scott, "after I've recovered form this near-death experience".

Pyro grinned, skipping out of the jet, looking around. He laughed happily, kissing the dusty ground.

"Oh, I've missed you SO much!", he said, "I've missed Australian food, Australian weather, Masupials, and the way we spell colour with a U!".

"My God, it's like releasing a wild animal into it's home environment", muttered Pietro, watching him as he stepped out.

"I feel like I should be launching into a verse of 'Born Free'", said Kurt dryly.

Bobby whimpered as he stepped outside.

"It's so hot here", he said, panting, "I can't take three weeks of THIS!"

"Are you kidding?", grinned Roberto, taking a deep breath, "the weather here's great! Lots of sun!"

"Well, of course YOU'D like it!", snapped Bobby.

Jamie yawned as he plodded out of the jet.

"Guys?", he asked, "I dont' get this time difference thing. Is it today, tomorrow, or yesterday?".

Everyone paused.

"I...think", said Piotr, frowning, "it is yesterday".

"I thought it was tomorrow", said Remy.

"This is confusing", groaned Ray, holding his head in his hands.

Logan grunted as he finished tossing the last of the suitcases out of the jet.

"Yer ride should come along in a few minutes", he said, "enjoy yerselves, I'll be back in three weeks".

Kurt looked at him wide-eyed.

"You're LEAVING us?".

"Yeah", said Logan, giving him a forced smile, "bye bye now".

"But...you can't leave us alone out here!", protested Scott, "you should stay until our ride gets here".

"You'll be fine", said Logan, "you've got Pyro".

With that, he got into the Blackbird, starting it up, as the jet heading down the 'runway' and into the air, Sam gave a sad sigh.

"We're gonna die here, aren't we, Scott?".

Scott looked over at Pyro, who was still talking to the ground.

"Yes, Sam, yes we are".

As promised, a few minutes later, a huge SUV came rolling along the road.

"Here's our ride", said Scott, "Lance, quit throwing up now, our ride's here".

Lance staggered out of his bush, still looking rather green. The SUV pulled to a stop, a woman stepping out. Every person in the group gave a gasp of horror.

"Oh holy crap, it's HER!", said Todd.

"Hello, campers!", grinned Gelder happily, "I'm one of your camp cons..."

She paused.

"Oh..it's YOU people".

"Hello, Miss Gelder", said Roberto, giving her a nervous wave"

"What the heck are you doing in Australia?", cried Pyro, "why here? I thought I'd be safe in my own home country!"

"Well, after my rage issues back home, I couldn't get a camp job in America, what with the restaining order and all...how is Logan?"

"Luckily up in the air", muttered Scott.

"Even if that short, hunk of a Canadian RIPPED OUT MY HEART!", screamed Gelder, then smiled sweetly, "I do miss him".

He clapped her hands.

"Okay, bags and people in the car, we've got a short drive to the ranch!".

"Remind me to kill the adults when we get home", said Fred, picking up a pile of suitcases and tossing them inside.

"Only if I get to kill a few as well", growled Remy.

Before they knew it, they were back on the road, all crammed into the SUV, heading for, as Gelder put it, their 'home away from home'...or maybe it was a 'hell away from home'.

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(1) - For those that don't know, the cane toad was introduced to kill the cane beetle, a pest causing damage to crops. Unfortunately, the people in charge had not done their research. The cane toad, you see, will eat absolutely anything...except cane beetles. They are also highly toxic, with no warning colouration, so anything that eats them tends to die. The things have spread like wildfire and a major ecological problem. Isn't learning fun?

(2) - Ahh I found Joyride so much fun. I think Lance's...issues with flying are due to his mutation, seeing as his powers are earth-related. Amara has the same problem, as she stated in cruise control, so it must be an earth-based-power thing.

Oh yes, it is the return of the obnoxiously happy Gelder! Do review. Until next time...


	3. Home is where the hurt is

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer"Did you notice his eyes? He has crazy eyes. He's a lunatic! We are going into the wilderness being led by a lunatic"

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Ahh yes, for some reason, I wrote Haloway instead of Gelder in the last chapter, it has been edited. Darn OC's, can't keep track of them...that's why I bought an electric cattle prod to help me. Zappy zappy!

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Chapter 3 - Home is where the hurt is.

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The SUV all the boys were crammed into finally pulled to a stop.

"We're here", Gelder said happily.

"Watch me jump for joy", muttered Scott.

They all piled out, glancing around at their destination. Yup, it was a farm alright...if you could consider a few shacks and a couple of barns a 'farm' that is.

"I think I want to cry", said Ray, holding back a whimper.

"Wow", sais Pyro, looking around"I haven't been to a place like this since I was seven"

"Good for you", said Bobby, his face lathered in sun screen.

"G'day, and welcome to Queensland", said a man, emerging from one of the cabins with a wide grin"I'm Jack Porter, and I own this ranch"

He eyed the boys carefully.

"'Bout time you lot showed up, the last group from the states arrived yesterday".

Lance cocked his head to the side.

"...Last group".

Jack nodded, pointing to where a familiar looking group were gathered. Evan was sulkily trying to dust sand off his spikes, where Duncan and Paul were giving him a VERY wide berth.

"Daniels got here before me", whined Pietro"okay, that is so, so, SO wrong"

Evan glanced up, smirking darkly at Pietro.

"Maximoff", he said"a bit...slow aren't we".

Pietro gaped, before pointing wildly at the others.

"I was with THEM. THEY slowed me down".

"Whatever, Maximoff", smirked Evan"You sure you're not losing your speed"

"Not in a million years, you overgrown pin cushion", snapped Pietro.

"Evan, why are YOU here", asked Sam.

"Because Callisto got it into her head that it would be 'good for me'", muttered Evan"last time I listen to HER"

"Hello, Paul", said Scott, crossing his arms ar his one-time-friend.

"Errr...hi..Scott", said Paul with a nervous laugh, glancing at the group"..heh heh...sure are alot of mutants here, huh".

"Yeah, there is", said Todd"so get over it".

"Shut up, Tolensky", growled Duncan"it's bad enough we got trapped in the school exchange programe, I don't need to be around freaks like you for the whole time"

"Freaks like us", said Lance, the ground begining to shake"you want to see how 'freaky' we can be"

"That's enough", shouted Jack, getting between them"you want to fight? Well, fine, but not in my camp...you'll spook the animals".

"We anticipated this", smiled Gelder"that's why I created 'The Circle of Thought'".

Jack groaned, rolling his eyes, mutting under his breath about crazy yank women taking over his perfectly fine camp.

"There will be many a time I will be regreting asking this question", said Piotr"but...what is this 'circle of thought'".

"I'm glad you asked", grinned Gelder, pointing to a small area a little way away from the main buildings. It was surrounded by a stone circle, only allowing a few paces across it. Inside it were a tent and what appeared to be a miniature camp fire area"if you break the rules, you spend a night there. You eat what you cook, and you can't leave the circle...it gives you time to think".

The boys stared at the tiny area.

"...That is inhumane", said Freddy.

"Then I suggest you behave", said Gelder with a smirk, the nodded at Jack"you're on again"

Jack gave her a glare that could melt an iceberg, before smiling at the group.

"There's a whole bunch of activities we've got lined up for ya", he said"they need both teamwork, and the ability to work on your own steam. And don't think I won't mix your little gangs up...'cause I will".

He cleared his throat.

"You eat at six pm, or you don't eat at all", he smiled"other than that and class time, the time is yours"

"Oh goodie, well, I'm sure we can find a happening party in the middle of the outback", muttered Ray.

"I didn't say you'd find alot of things to do in your free time", said Jack, then laughed"you'll be too buggered to do anything, anyway".

Pietro raised a hand.

"So, do we all get our own showers", he asked"what about a facial spa? My pores don't do well in dry conditions".

Jack blinked at him.

"You have a singular shower, you line up for it", he said, pointing to a brick building"it's in there, with the dunnies".

"There's a Denny's here", asked Kurt with a grin"fast food, ROCK ON".(1)

Pyro groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"DUNnies, not DENny's, ya great stupid gallah", he said.

Kurt blinked at him, his face falling.

"...No fast food".

"No fast food", said Pyro"it's a bog"

"Bog", asked Jamie"like a swamp".

Pyro let out a breath. Yes, NOW he knew why he had missed Australia so much.

"A bleedin' bathroom".

"Oh", said Jamie, then blinked"why didn't you just SAY that"

Pyro's eye twitched. Lance sighed, patting him on the shoulder.

"Let it go, man, let it go".

"So", said Pietro, speaking up again"you're telling me there's no hygenic place for me to wash?. I don't 'do' sharing".

"Then you're just going to have to smell, then, aren't you", said Jack.

"No change there, then", grinned Evan.

"I smell better than YOU, sewer-boy", snapped Pietro, stamping his foot.

Scott shook his head sadly, then smiled at Jack.

"So, do we have a properly sheduled progame", he asked with a grin"up at o-eight-hundred hours and all that".

Scott really hoped so. Scott liked rules, he lived by them, he thrived on them.

"Oh, we just do things whenever it fits", said Jack with a shrug.

...He'd just lost them.

"Noooo", cried Scott"I need rules. You see, rules are very important to me. I have to have a schedule"

"The outback doesn't have a schedule", said Jack pointedly"neither should you".

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE", screamed Scott.

Jack looked on in wonder as the group began to go into panic mode, screamuing and shouting all over the place.

"These damn galah's", muttered Jack, shaking his head"they don't have a CLUE how to survive in the bush they'll be crook or cactus before the end of the arvo" (2)

"Fair dinkum", agreed Pyro, nodding his head (3)

Remy glanced between them, before blinking.

"I didn't get a WORD o' dat", he said, crossing his arms.

"Now you know how we feel around YOU, Cajun", said Freddy with a smirk.

"Hey, shut up", said Remy"de ladies don' complain none 'bout Remy's accent".

"He has a point", sighed Pietro"he has more one night stands than I do...and that's saying something".

"Okay, people", said Jack with a grin"get your stuff and head to your bunks, we have an early morning start".

"But...what about some good Australian TV", asked Jamie.

"We don't have on in the camp", relied Jack"I'm always too busy to sit on my arse watching TV all day".

"THAT'S it", snapped Ray, flopping onto the floor"you can take away my privacy, you can take away my dignity, you can even take away my morning lie-ins, but you can NOT take away my TV"

"Okay, fine, you can sleep there", said Jack with a shrug.

"Ray...are you feeling alright", asked Sam, proding him with his foot"the heat hasn't got to you, has it".

"I'm fine", said Ray"I'll just lie here until it's time to go home"

"You know", said Pyro conversationally"nine of the ten world's most deadliest snakes live in Australia, and you'd be pretty close to them...being on the ground and all..."

"I'M UP, I'M UP", screamed Ray.

"Snakes", whimpered Todd"there are SNAKES here"

"Yup", said Pyro with a nod, apparently not recognising the other mutant's fear"and lots of biiiig lizards too".

Todd whimpered.

"Snakes and lizards eat Toads...I DON'T WANNA DIE".

Freddy patted his back.

"Don't worry, Toad, I'm sure they won't eat you, you're too big"

"Well, if he went near any water, a croc'd get him", said Pyro"he's just the right size"

Todd's eyes widened as he whimpered again.

"Not helping, Pyro", muttered Freddy.

"No good can come of this", sighed Kurt sadly as they headed into their cabins"the girls had it SO easy...Ve'll probably end up dead"

"Don't worry, Blue Boy", said Pyro enocuragingly"she'll be apples" (4)

Kurt whimpered.

"Vhat apples", he cried"and vho's SHE"

-

Oh yes, I got to have lots of fun finding Aussie slang on the net To my Aussie readers, do tell me if the slang is wrong ;)

(1) - Inspired by a gag in the movie 'Kangaroo Jack'. Ahh such fun.

(2) - Galah - Idiot . Crook - Sick. Cactus - Dead . Arvo - Afternoon

(3) - Very true

(4) - Everything will be okay.

For some reason, the 'settling in' chapters always take me the longest to write, oh well. Do review. Until next time...


	4. A jolly jumbuck

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer"Animals should be outside, humans should be inside. Humans should have absolutely no contact with uncooked animals. I hope you're happy, you've disturbed the circle of life."

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Magcat - Why Austrailia? Well, I haven't sent my characters there yet, I thought it would be fun. Why do I not refer to Pyro by St.John? Well, I do now and again, but when it comes to writing characters names out like 'Kurt said, or Sam said' and so on, most authors keep to one name to identify them with. I prefer to write Pyro. Same as instead of writing 'Mastermind', I write Jason, and instead of writing 'Colossus', I write Piotr. And instead of writing Forge I write...oh..wait.

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Chapter 4 - A jolly jumbuck.

-

Ahh, sleep. Such a blissfull activity. When one took part in such a thing, one often forgot where one was. This was the case for Remy LeBeau. One moment, he was in the Big Easy, having a great time with some very attractive women...and the next he was being poked in the ribs with a stick.

"Gahh", he said, sitting bolt upright, then blinked at his 'attacker'.

Jamie blinked at him inocently.

"They said if you didn't wake up now, you wouldn't get any breakfast", said Jamie, handing Remy the bo staff he'd..borrowed.

Remy groaned, standing up and rubbing his head.

"This isn't New Orleans, is is".

"No", replied Jamie"this is Australia"

"So it wasn't just some horrible nightmare", sobbed Remy"what time is it"

"Five", said Jamie.

Remy blinked at him numbly.

"AM", he shouted.

"Yep", said Jamie, then headed downstairs"Jack says we have to get started really early".

"Dere's early, an' den deres insanity", muttered Remy, loping down the stairs.

Remy noted he wasn't the only one having issues with the early mornings. Then again, half of the group hadn't even slept off their intense jetlag yet.

"I didn't even know five AM existed", moaned Ray, resting his head on the wall.

"You've never lived on a farm, then", said Sam"this is normal hours for me"

"Ditto", said Freddy with a nod.

"Oh, well I'm glad at least TWO of us are more than semi-concious", snapped Scott.

"Boy, stop fighting", said Jack, walking in"it's too early in the morning for it".

"Can we go back to bed, then", asked Kurt meekly, raising a hand.

"...No", replied Jack, then clapped his hands"right then, time for the first activity, it'll let me see how well you mix, and give you time to get familiar with your new environment, so I'll be splitting you into two groups. Scott Summers and Lance Alvers will be field leaders...on THIS exercise, it WILL be changed"

"Oh...yippie", sighed Piotr, not sounding very motivated..at all.

"I want you to go on a wildlife scavenger hunt", said Jack, handing Scott and Lance a clipboard each"you find and photograph every animal you find on this sheet".

Lance squinted at the names.

"...I barely recognise the names of any of these animals", he said, the paused"well, I bags Pyro on my team".

"HEY", said Scott"that's not fair"

"Makes sense", said Lance"Pyro is an Acolyte, thus is closer to being a member of the Brotherhood than an X-Man. So there"

"No one is having St.John on their team", said Jack"that constitutes as cheating"

"So, he gets the day off, just because he's Australian", squeaked Duncan"that is SO beyond unfair"

"Actually, he had a two-hour hike to get us supplies", said Jack pointedly"he left an hour ago".

"...Oh", said Duncan, clearing his throat"...okay then".

"I say, bring it on", grinned Pietro, then sent a smirk Evan's way"I'm gonna find these critters WAAAY quicker than Daniels".

"I'd like to see you try, chicken-boy", growled Evan.

"Yes...they warned me about this", said Jack"that's why I put you both on the same team"

"WHAT", screamed the boys in unison.

Jack ignored them, dividing the teams.

"Summers, you have LeBeau, Dukes, Madrox, Maximoff, Daniels, DaCosta and...", he blinked at Paul"this loser".

"HEY", whimpered Paul.

Jack carried on, pointing at Lance.

"Alvers, you have Tolensky, Rasbutin, Drake, Wagner, Guthrie and Crisp"

"That's not fair", protested Lance"Summers has one more person than me".

"Yes, and because of that, they have extra animals to find", said Jack pointedly"now, stop complaining and MOVE OUT".

The group gave a collective groan as they headed out into the outback...this was not going to be fun.

-

They were right, it was not fun. Only going on brief descriptions for some of the most unique animals on the planet did not help in finding the things. In the space of a few hours, Scott was hot, dry and very tired...

"In de outback, de crazy outback, Scotty is a geek"

...And if Gambit didn't stop singing, he was going to ram that bo staff of his somewhere very painfull.

"In de outback, de crazy outback, Scotty is a geek", sang Remy not noticing Scott's glare"everyone sing with me... a-weeeeeeeeee-eeeeeee-a-bumba-bumba-ey"

"A- weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...", started Jamie, only to be glared at by Scott, breaking off in mid 'weee'.

"Lets just get this OVER already", muttered Scott"so I can go to bed".

"I don't know what you're complaining about, Summers", said Freddy"it's not like we're doing much work".

"Yeah", said Roberto"the uber-competitives are doing it for us".

Ahead of them, Pietro was crouched over a lizard.

"I found another one", he shouted"it's a jumbuck".

"That is not a jumbuck", said Evan pointedly.

"Yes, it is", said Pietro with a sniff"you're just jealous because I found it first".

"I'm telling you, it's not a jumbuck", said Evan.

"What IS a jumbuck, then, smartass", asked Pietro.

"I...", Evan paused, then started to hum 'Waltzing Matilda', after a few moments, he smirked"they are jolly and they drink beside billabongs...and swagmen grab them and put them in their tuckerbags".

Roberto blinked.

"Does that make no sense to anyone else, or is it just me".

"I didn't get a word of that", muttered Paul from where he was lagging behind, trying to avoid all mutant contact.

"Isn't a jumbuck a sheep", asked Jamie.(1)

Pietro snorted, shaking his head, patting Jamie on the head.

"Awww, poor dumb kid", he said"I forgot what it was like to be a dumb kid".

"I'm thirteen", said Jamie with a frown"not ten"

Pietro shook his head.

"This is clearly a jumbuck, so I have found yet another creature in the list", he said, then puffed out his chest"Just call me Pietro: Lord of the Outback".

"Hey, Lord of the Outback", smirked Evan"there's a scorpion on your foot".

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH", screamed Pietro, running around in panicked super-speed circles.

"Pysce", smirked Evan.

"Okay, okay", snapped Scott"that is enough! How many more animals do we need to find"

"Just one", said Freddy, looking at the sheet"a bunyip".

"What the hell is a bunyip", asked Paul.

"Lets just find the thing and leave", snapped Scott.

"I'm sure I remember Pyro talkin' 'bout dose t'ings", mused Remy, squinting"..but I can't remember what..."

"Can't we just go home now", asked Jamie with a whimper"we have all but one. My feet are getting tired".

"No", snapped Scott"we are going to do this job and we are going to do it RIGHT"

With that, he began to march off, the other following behind with a groan.

"I'm not about to let Alvers beat me on this", growled Scott.

-

"Aren't you worried about Scott beating you"

Lance blinked at Sam, before laughing, shaking his head.

"Hell no", he said"I'm tired, I'm sick of walking through the desert, let him win, I'd rather be sitting with my feet up".

Bobby gave a whimper.

"I'm so glad I'm on your team", he said, giving Lance a hug,. "I love you, man".

Lance blinked.

"...Can someone get this off me".

Piotr sighed, plucking Bobby off Lance and carrying him under his arm.

"Bobby always gets a little...heat stressed", said Ray"you know, ice mutation and that"

"He should try carrying a fur coat around", muttered Kurt, his tail dropped low"I can't take much more of this".

"I'll shave it off for you", said Duncan with an evil smirk.

"I remind you once more", said Piotr"you are seriously outnumbered".

Duncan at once fell silent, not wanting to get on the huge Russian's 'bad side'...assuming he actually HAD one.

"Don't worry, fuzz-butt, we're leaving now", said Lance, then looked around"where the hell is Toad".

"There he is", said Ray, pointing to where Todd was hopping over, something caught in his hands.

"...If that's an insect, I don't vant to see you eat it", said Kurt, grimacing.

"It's not an insect", said Todd, throwing Kurt a glare, then opened his hands, revealing a cane toad.

"Croak", said the toad.

"She says her name is Lucy", said Todd, the toad croaked again"oh, and she's an orphan" (2)

"That's cute", said Lance dryly"now put away the danger to the countries ecosystem"

"No way", protested Todd, holding her close"she needs someone to look after her, her parents were smooshed by golf clubs".

"Fine, take the goddamned toad", groaned Lance as they headed back to the camp"I don't care anymore".

"Hey, do you think the other group recognised the trick animal", asked Piotr.

"They should have", said Sam"it'd take a complete idiot to not realise that bunyips don't exist".

-

(1) - A jumbuck is, indeed, a sheep. I've been listening to my Waltzing Matilda CD again.

(2) - Yes, Toad can indeed talk to amphibians...or at least his cannon version could.

And the chapters get more crazy. What happens when Jack meets Lucy? What happens to Scott's group? These questions answered in the next thrilling chapter! Do review. Until next time...


	5. Lost mutants and lost minds

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "This. Is. Seriously. Messing. With. My. KARMA!"

-

Hey all, yes, I am back...ish. My computer caught a worm virus (oh...goodie) and is currently awaiting to be re-formated by my brother. I thought I'd give it a week to see if I'd get it back, but alas. So, this is being typed from my parents computer. Anyway, getting to the long and short of it, I may not be able to update my parody or musical until I get my computer back, but I can still update this fic, and I shall, yes indeedy, even if I lost all I had already written for this chapter, never to be seen again.. Mmmm, I think the quote I used for this chapter fits my current situation. Bless that stoned, narcoleptic, hippy rabbit, for his words are wise.

-

Chapter 5 - Lost mutants and lost minds

-

"Scott? Can we go back to the camp now?...My head hurts"

Scott turned to look at the youngest member of the team.

"I know", he said, patting his head, then frowned, "but any job worth doing is worth doing right!"

"We've been looking for HOURS!", screamed Remy, "and dere is no Bunyip!"

Remy narrowed his eyes, looking around suspiciously.

"Remy startin' ta believe dere is no such t'ing"

"Of COURSE there's such a thing", snapped Scott, "why would they put it on the list if it didn't exist, huh? HUH!"

"I hate to say this, Summers, but the Cajun has a point", said Freddy, "look. We're out in the outback with no shade and it's getting hotter"

He gave Jamie a prod.

"And the kid's tired".

"There's no place like home", mumbled Jamie half-awake, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore" (1)

"I don't know what you're all complaining about", grinned Roberto, "I'm totally loving all this sun"

"...Shut up, Roberto", sighed Scott, pinching the bridge of his nose, "and where are Pietro and Evan?"

"Over there", said Paul meekly, pointing to where Evan and Pietro were staring each other out..again.

"Oh, just...great", groaned Scott, walking after them, "what is it NOW?"

"I SO saw a bunyip", said Pietro, crossing his arms, "but the pin-cushion thinks that it wasn't one!"

"It was a SNAKE", shouted Evan.

"Was not"

"Was too"

"NOT"

"TOO!"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPP

Both boys fell deathly silent as Scott zapped a rock into dust.

"Will you both just shut up?", said Scott massaging his temples, "I'm thirsty, where's all the water?"

Pietro cleared his throat, looking at the floor sheepishly.

"Don't tell me you've drank it all", growled Remy, stepping forwards, charging up some cards.

No one noticed Scott look up, giving an odd half-smile, stumbling away.

"Well, I've got a faster metabolism than you people", protested Pietro, "I can't help it".

"I'll give you a fast metabolism", said Remy, about to throw a card at him when Paul tapped him on the shoulder.

"Errr...mutant guy?", he said, "I think something's wrong with Scott".

Scott grinned happily as he looked at his find. He couldn't believe it!. How did his beloved car get in the middle of the outback? Wow, someone up there must really, really like him. He knew being a good boy would pay off one day. He laughed, opening the door and jumping in, running his hands over the steering wheel.

"Guys", he shouted, "we've got an answer! We can drive around until we find the Bunyip, we'll be done so much quicker!".

The group paused, blinking numbly at their leader. Scott was sitting happily in the dirt, his hands held out in front of him as if grasping something unseen. He suddenly moved his hand to the side and touched thin air. He paused before laughing.

"We've even got some tunes!", he said, bopping his head to the imagined music, then laughed, "and smoothies!"

The team watched in horror as Scott picked up a rock and started to suck on it.(2)

"...Is anyone else seeing what he's seeing?", asked Freddy.

"No", came the unanamous reply.

"Just checking", said Freddy.

"Hey, look", said Jamie sleepily from where he was half-slung over Freddy's shoulder, "puppies. Here puppies, good puppies".

The gang turned their attention from Scott to where Jamie was pointing.

"Those aren't puppies", said Evan with a nervous laugh, "THEY'RE DINGOES!"

-

Meanwhile, back at the camp, the other group had all settled in for a break...and ome glorious food. All except ONE.

"You 'aint takin' Lucy away from me!", snapped Todd, clinging to the toad as if his life depended on it, "she's all alone, yo!"

"She's a pest", growled Jack, trying to pry the amphibian off Todd while wearing glove. Apparently, the amphibian's toxic skin had no effect on Todd himself...the others assumed they cancled each other out.

"No she's not, she's my baby!", shouted Todd, "I adopted her".

"There's something touching...and yet very scary about that", commented Kurt from where he and a few others had opted to watch the show.

"Da", agreed Piotr, then winced, "I do not think Wanda will take kindly to this 'adoption'".

Kurt grinned, rubbing his hands eagerly.

"I'd pay big bucks to get a front-row seat to THAT conversation".

Todd, holding onto Lucy tightly bounced away form Jack.

"I don't know what you're complainin' about", he said, "I AM taking her away from the country. She'll still be away from here, right?".

"He's right, don't kill the poor little froggy-woggie", said Gelder with a sniffle.

"But...but it...pest", protested Jack, before scowling, "fine, but keep it locked away. If it escapes..."

He held up his shotgun for emphasis.

"Kablamo".

"What goes kablamo?", asked Pyro as he wandered in, his arms full of supplies.

"That bloody cane toad", muttered Jack, sitting down moodily.

Pyro put down the supplies and frowned at Todd.

"What did I tell you?", he said, then shook his head, blinking around, "hey, were's the rest of them?"

"Not back yet", said Jack with a shrug, "don't worry. Give them about two hours, then we'll go look for them"

-

"We'regonnadiewe'regonnadiewe'regonnadie!", Pietro sceamed as he ran around in circles, then paused, "wait, I can run away, so technically, YOU'RE all going to die. Ta."

"Stay put!", snapped Remy before Pietro could run off, "they're just dingoes...they're big dogs, right? We can fight big dogs".

"They are big, nasty WILD dogs", corrected Freddy, "they eat babies!".

"Oh don't be so...", started Evan then squeaked as the pack came closer, "okay, we're mutants. We have powers..."

"I don't", pointed out Paul.

"Okay, fine", said Pietro with a smirk, "we'll use you to feed them up, maybe they won't want to kill us after that".

Roberto rolled his eyes, powering up and walking over to Scott.

"Hey, 'Berto", grinned Scott, "climb aboard, we can drive this baby all the way to Mexico!".

"Err...maybe another time", said Roberto, starting to drag him away.

"Noooooo MY BABY!", screamed Scott, struggling away.

Remy grinned, reaching inot his pocket, going to pull out some cards to fire at the dingoes...and came up empty.

"Huh?", he said, blinking at his empty hand.

"Oh...yeah", said Evan, clearing his throat, "me and Pietro had a game of go fish last night...it got a bit violent. The ones you were going to throw at Pietro were the last ones"

"You lost SIX decks of cards?", growled Remy, "MY cards?"

He narrowed his red-on-black eyes.

"If we live through dis, you two gonna DIE. No one touches Remy's cards. NO ONE"

"Okay, got it", said Pietro, then whimpered as more dingoes appeared, "though that might not be an issue anymore".

Suddenly, a loud claxon sounded, followed by a large explosion. The dingoes looked up, before yelping, running away. The group blinked in shock.

"What just then happened?", asked Roberto.

"That", said Freddy, pointing as a huge, oddly decorated tank screeched to a stop beside them. A few banging sounds were heard from within it, accompanied by loud swearing. Eventually, a door on the top opened and a young woman poked her head out, he head almost completely shaved, bar from a few strands of blonde on the front.

"Allo", she smirked, leaning on her tank,. looking down at the group, "got a bit of dingo trouble, huh? Snot nosed buggers".

"Errr...hello?", tried Remy as he was shoved forward, becoming the unspoken 'leader', "...merci?".

She blinked at him for a moment, before smirking.

"You foreign? Must be, no idiot goes traipsing around the outback like that", she said, then smirked, "hop in, I'll take you where you wanna go. Just remember to buy me a few beers later"

She spat on the floor and gave them a grin.

"Name's Tank Girl", she said, "and you fellas are in for one HELL of a ride" (3)

-

(1) - For those that do not know, comic Jamie is originally from Kansas. In fact, his parents were killed by a tornado.

(2) - I wish I could take credit for that scene, but nope. It's a modified scene from Kangaroo Jack. It was just too good to pass up.

(3) - Tank girl is a comic character created by Jamie Hewlett and Alan Martin. She lives in post apocalyptic Australia normally, but I couldn't resist using her. She's ace. Originally from Deadline magazine, I believe Dark Horse publish some of her stuff now...not sure.

And there we go, another chapter. Not sure when I'll update next, hopefully it won't be TOO long. And hopefully I'll get my computer back soon..hopefully. Do review. Until next time...


	6. Safe and soundless

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence"

* * *

I appologise for taking so long to get back to this one, my muse died for it. Really, it was quite messy. Poor muse.

Chaotic Boredom - The stoned narcoleptic hippie rabbit is Dylan from the Magic Roundabout. You could say it's my latest obession, but it has been one that has been slowly seeding away since childhood, the new movie brought it into bloom again, hazah for physcadelic madness! (Yes, I HAVE already wrote a fanfic for it)

* * *

Chapter 6 - Safe and soundless

* * *

"And the King lost again, silly thing, STUPID GIT" (1)

There were many things that Paul thought would happen in his life. He thought one day he'd have a family. One day, he'd like to go fishing. But one thing he'd NEVER counted on was sitting next to an anthropromorthic mutant kangaroo singing Monty Python songs. Booga, apparently not noticing Paul's unease, continued to sing happily. Jamie, finding Booga to be 'the coolest thing: EVER', sang happily with him.

"Hey", said Booga, "Tank Girl, can we adopt this little guy? He's great!"

Tank Girl grimaced.

"Booga, I love kids as much as the next gun-toting maniac", she said, "but I don't want one of my own, even one that turns into more kids"

"Awww", sighed Booga.

"I kinda already have a family", pointed out Jamie, "..sorry, Booga".

"It's okay, kid", said Booga, giving Tank Girl a sweet smile, "one day, we'll have kids of our own, right, Tank Girl"

"With you?", snorted Tank Girl, "Hell, NO!"

Booga sighed sadly, looking at the ground.

"You're always mean to me", he muttered to himself.

"Okay, people, this is waaay up there on my list of 'weird things'", said Roberto, "and since living with the X-Men, that list has been pretty full".

Tank Girl blinked at him.

"There's something weird about not wanting to marry a mutant kangaroo and adopt random children?".

"No", said Roberto, "but there IS something weird about mutant kanagroos"

"Say the boy who get his power form the sun", sniffed Booga.

"Leave Booga alone", said Tank Girl, "Only I'M aloud to tell him he's strnage and useless"

"They didn't say I was useless", pointed out Booga.

"Well, I'm saying it now", said Tank Girl.

"I would like to go home now", mumbled Paul.

"We all want to go home", snapped Remy, "but we can't so shut up and get over it".

"Pietro, how's Scott doing?", asked Freddy quickly before any more fighting could be undertaken in such a small space.

Pietro leaned over by Scott, giving him a poke.

"Spam spam spam spam spam spam LOVELY SPAM WONDERFULL SPAM spam spam spam spam spam", sang Scott.

"Oh, he's just dandy", said Pietro, "they'll never notice there's anything wrong with him"

Suddenly, there was an ominous crunching sound and the tank ground to a halt. Tank Girl blinked, climbing out of the hatch. There were a few banging sound before a long, loud, torrent of swearing rose form the young womans mouth.

"What's gone wrong?", asked Roberto, thoughtfully covering Jamie's ears as Tank Girl turned the air blue.

Tank Girl replied with another torrent of abusive words.

"She says we have a flat", said Booga.

"A FLAT?", asked Evan, "how on EARTH can we get a flat? WE'RE IN A TANK!"

"With THIS tank, anything is possible", said Booga pointedly.

"So, what?", said Remy, "we're stuck in de middle of nowhere again?"

"Looks that way", said Booga with a shrug.

"Oh, forget this, man!", snapped Evan, "you guys can sit here and cook to death, I'M going to walk back to the camp!"

With that, he pulled himself out of the hatch, storming past Tank Girl.

"Bye, Daniels!", said Pietro cheerfully, "I hope you leave a lovely, ugly insect-ridden corpse!"

"Should we be letting him just walk off like that?", asked Paul.

"Sure, why not", said Pietro, shurgging, "he's a Morlock, he can deal"

* * *

"Does anyone else think the other group should have been back hours ago?"

Everyone turned to look at Sam.

"Jeez, a'h was only asking", he muttered, "not a one of you is worrued about them?"

"Hell, no", said Lance with a shrug, "I've lost Pietro, Remy AND Scott in one fell swoop. Sure, it means I've lost Blob in the bargin, but I can live with that"

"But vouldn't Jean get mad at us if ve lost Scott?", asked Kurt, "and vhat about poor little Jamie?"

"'Poor little Jamie' didn't set fire to your history assingment", growled Ray, "I hope he gets eaten by something".

"...Well...errr", Sam floundered, "Roberto? Does anyone care about him?"

"Who's Roberto again?", asked Todd, petting Lucy on the head.

"I am thinking he is the one that has the eye patch?"

"Nah, that's Nick Fury", said Lance.

"He's the Brazillian", said Bobby, "you know, really quiet?"

Lance, Todd and Piotr looked blankly at him.

"He's the one with the Elvis tattoo", said Sam with an exasperated sigh.

This was met with a chorus of 'ahhhhhs!'.

"Nah, I think we could live without them", said Todd.

"The fewer mutie freaks in the world, the better", snorted Duncan.

"Paul's a flatscan, you idiot", said Kurt.

Duncan blinked.

"Who's Paul?"

"Oh, not THIS again!", snapped Bobby.

Suddenly, Pyro popped his head around the door, that demented grin on his face.

"Hey, Jack's heading out to rescue everyone, Gelder told him if he didn't, she'd start screaming and never stop", he said, "anyone want to come with?"

"I am SO not going back into that heat", said Kurt, "I've just got my fur back from being kinky".

"Kinky fur, you naughty, naughty boy", giggled Bobby, then coughed, "sorry, I'm still a little heat stressed".

"A'hll go", said Sam, standing up, giving the tohers a glare, "A'HM not afraid to help ma'h friends, unlike some people".

"I will go also", said Piotr, "I am feeling sorry for Jamie...and Remy is still owing me money".

* * *

Meanwhile, Evan Daniels was still stomping along the outback, trying to navigate a way home.

"When I get home, I'm never, EVER leaving the tunnels again", he said to himself, "I'll stay in the nice, safe darkness. Yes, nice and safe".

He paused as he ehard a hissing sound.

"Pietro?", he said, narrowing his eyes, "knock it off, you idiot. I'm not in the mood!".

The hissing sound continued, Evan narrowed his eyes, chosing to ignore it as he carried on walking...it was then he stod on something, something which was hissing. He blinked down, looking at the snake. The snake looked back at him, hissing louder.

"Oh".

* * *

"Well, we've run out of beers, who's up for a game of russian roulette?"

The group looked at Tank Girl as if she were mad, which was a good possibility. They were lounging by the tank, which in turn was dangerously close to a cliff edge.

"I t'ink I'll pass", murmered Remy, "I like my life".

"Speaking of lives", said Tank Girl, walking over to Paul, "can you do me a favour?"

Paul gave a nervosu laugh, stepping away slightly.

"Errr...maybe"

Tank Girl grinned, leaning close before happily shoving him towards the edge of the cliff.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!", screamed Paul, only to be yanked back by Tank Girl.

"Tell your mother I saved your life", she smirked (2)

"Meep", said Paul, collapsing on the ground.

Closer to the tank, Booga and Jamie were playing tic-tc-toe in the sand, with Freddy acting as judge.

"Jamie wins!", he announced.

"AGAIN?", whimpered Booga, "how does he DO this?"

"I'm just good", said Jamie, "I am the king of all gaming. You may bow now" (3)

"Don't push it", growled Booga.

"HEY I SEE A TRUCK, I SEE A TRUCK!", laughed Roberto happily, then blinked, "and it seems to be dragging something large and round with it".

The group looked up as Jack's truck pulled to a screeching halt. Tied to the back of it, being dragged around the ground, was Evan. After his 'incident' with the snake, he'd swollen up dramaticly, and by the look of his face, he wasn't enjoying it.(4)

Pietro laughed, giving the swollen Evan a poke.

"You look like one of those spikey blowing up fish!", he laughed, "or a big, spikey beachball!".

"Cut it out, Maximoff", snapped Evan, trying to roll his spikes in the direction of Pietro's fingers.

"Oh, shut up, I gave you anti-venom, it just takes time to work", said Jack, then looked at the group, "having a party?"

"Take me home, take me home", sobbed Paul, climbing into the truck.

"What the heck happened to Scott?", asked Sam, arching a brow as Scott span in circles around the tank.

"Oh, the sun got to him a teeny tiny little bit", chuckled Freddy.

"Jean, I love you, Jeanie-Pie", shouted Scott, "I'm so glad you came to see me"

"Scott, NO!", screamed Sam, "that's a cac...too late"

Everyone winced as Scott wrapped his arms around a cactus, kissing it passionately. (5)

Jack shook his head.

"I told Xavier this was a stupid idea, but would he listen? Noooooo".

Meanwhile, Pyro had dashed up to Tank Girl.

"TG!", he shouted, "I heard you were dead!".

"Nah!", said Tank Girl, giving his a hug, "I've just been on the run from the army for a while...they still don't like the tank stealing thing.."

"Of COURSE they would know each other", muttered Remy, rolling his eyes, "they are both crazy idiots".

"We met in a 'special class'", said Pyro with a nod.

"It wasn't QUITE anger management, more like...'random destruction management", smiled Tank Girl.

Jack sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I'll send a team out to fix your tank, the rest of you, GET IN THE TRUCK!".

The team decided not to argue, and, after a few moments of pulling Scott off the cactus, they were back in the truck, heading off to camp.

* * *

(1) - The Oliver Cromwell Song.

(2) - This is a joke my first friend used to pull on me, though it was most commonly on walls...or near the cannal. She did this constantly, without fail, often doing it in consecutive days. We are still in touch, having known each other for almost two decades...and she STILL pulls it on me. Then again, I did lose her in a quarry once, then went home and forgot all about her...so we could be considered even.

(3) - Another friend quote, actually this is from the younger brother of first friend. I accidentally cracked his head open while I was on a swing when I was 9 and he was 8...it is something he loves to remind me of...I gleefully point out I gave him a scar to show off in the army (though he probably doesn't tell people he was kicked off a wall by a little girl to get it).

(4) - L1701E's idea. Evilness abound!

(5) - Another one of L1701E's ideas, poor Scooter boy, I almost feel sorry for him...almost.

And there's another chapter done and dusted! Do review. Until next time...


	7. The circle of chaos

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Don't feel guilty just because it's all your fault...I'm sorry, that didn't come out quite right, did it?"

* * *

Da chicks dig da fuzzy dude - Russian Roulette is a game with many different forms, the most basic is a pistol is loaded with a single bullet, paricipants of the game fire the gun at themselves or others until they find the bullet...when the game usually ends...as well as someone's life. Heh. I prefer the vodka version, find the double vodka amongst the singles! Wee!

Kliona - Booga is the mutant kangaroo that lives with Tank Girl in her tank.

Oh, I do love inflicting pain on these boys! A random plug: For fans of Sindey, I have finally put a Sidney picture on my DevinantART account (linked on my author profile). Okay, it's not completely right, but it's close. If you recognise the chapter title from anything, you get a cookie.

Chapter 7 - The Circle of Chaos.

* * *

A few days after the 'Scavenger Hunt' incident, the boys had been allowed to stay at the camp, working away on menial tasks. The boys enjoyed this greatly. For one thing, Jack said Xavier had promised him they would, and for another, the boys were glad to be away form all the general madness of the Outback. Of course, all good things come to an end, and so did this...rather abruptly.

"Are we all feeling HAPPY!"

The assembled boys looks blankly at Gelder, who was smiling happily at them. She carried on smiling...it became obvious she was waiting for some kind of response.

"...Neh?", tried Roberto.

Gelder blinked, before continuing to smile sweetly.

"Well, I hope so, because we have a new task today, yeeeey!".

She looked at the boys, wondering why this news hadn't brought on the cheers she'd expected it to. Maybe she'd try again.

"I said we have a new task today"

...Nope, nothing. In fact, instead of cheering, the boys looked even more depressed than they had already been. Paul fell over onto the floor, letting out small, sad sobs. Gelder frowned, crossing her arms.

"Oh, come off it, it's not that bad", she said.

"I want to go home now, pretty please?", said Jamie, raising a hand.

"I want you lot to go home too", muttered Jack form his corner, "I'm sick of you!"

Gelder gave him a deathly glare, then smiled sweetly at the boys.

"This task will be fun, trust me"

With that, she skipped into the yard, picking up a large stick. Within moments, she had traced to large circles in the sandy earth, some distance away from each other.

"This", she indicated to one, "is the Circle of Order. Only good things can happen within it"

She pointed to the other circle.

"This is the Circle of Chaos, where all the madness is enclosed".

"Circle of Thought, Circle of Order, Circle of Chaos", muttered Lance, "what IS it with this woman and circles?"

"A'hm becoming more and more convinced that she's an escaped Seasame Street character", said Sam, shaking his head, "a'h bet they've got Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch looking for her right now"

Gelder carried on regardless.

"I shall split you into two groups, and each group has to spend some time within each circle, enough to feel the effects, then you can switch over"

Duncan raised a hand.

"I vote we say screw it and go back inside", he said.

Gelder narrowed her eyes.

"This is NOT up for vote".

An indeed, it wasn't. A few hours later, the two groups were divided into their circles.

"So, is anyone feeling at peace with the world yet?", asked Bobby sarcastically from where he sat in the Circle of Order"

"No", said Remy, "in fact, all I want to do is kill something. Hopefully Gelder"

"I don't know, you guys", grinned Pyro, "I'm actually feelin' pretty good".

"I'll be glad when this is over", said Roberto, where he was kicking a football around, keeping it within the boundaries of the circle, "I wish I'd stayed in Brazil. My parents may have ignored my existance, but at least it was better than this"

"I hate mutants", said Duncan, "I mean, it's YOUR fault everything here is so mad. If we were all humans, it wouldn't be that bad".

"Oh, shut your face, Hitler Two", said Evan, "or you'll get a spike rammed somewhere very unpleasant".

"Shut up, Sewer-Freak!", snapped Duncan, "I'm still made at you for wreaking my car. Pin-cushion!".

"Hey", said Pietro, narrowing his eyes, "only I'M allowed to pick on Spyke"

"Gee...thanks, Pietro", said Evan dryly.

"You're welcome, No-Brains", said Pietro cheerfully.

"Remember, ORDER reigns here!", reminded Gelder from where she sat outside both circles, watching them.

"Yes, Miss Freak, Ma'm", said Sam with a slappy salute.

"Well, at least we're better dan de Circle of Chaos", pointed out Remy.

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISISTION!" (1)

...The Cajun had a point. Everyone in the Circle of Chaos watched as Kurt waved his hands about wildly.

"Errr...Fuzz-Butt", said Todd, arching a brow, "are you sure you're feelin' okay? You're acting weird. And besides, I thought you were German"

"How DARE you say that about me", shouted Kurt, then looked at Fred, "Cardinal Fred, poke him with..."

Kurt paused for dramatic silence.

"THE SOFT CUSHIONS!"

Freddy watched him for a few moments.

"Kurt...we don't have any soft cushions".

"Vell, get the...COMFY CHAIR!", shouted Kurt.

"Kurt, shut up!", snapped Scott, massaging his own head, "you're giving me a migrane".

Kurt ignored him, growling and begining to poke Todd repeatedly in the side with the spade of his tail.

"Confess!", shouted Kurt, "CONFESS!"

"Permission to kill him?", asked Todd.

Lance sighed, shaking his head.

"Sorry, he's Kitty's best friend, she'd kill me if I let him die".

Ray, meanwhile, was sitting watching this in silence.

"I know who's behind all of this", he muttered to himself.

"Da, Gelder", said Piotr helpfully, "the woman watching us, you remember?"

"No, not her", said Ray, "Bill Gates"

Piotr blinked, cocking his head to the side.

"Bill...Gates?", he asked, "as in the man that was inventing Microsoft?"

"Bill Gates is evil", said Ray, then frowned, looking around darkly, "he wants to rule the world, you know. He hears everything!" (2)

Piotr shuffled a little out of the way.

"This will be another experience I will be paying an expensive shrink to sort out when I'm fourty", said Jamie with a sigh.

"RELEASE ME!", shouted Kurt, "I vill be held captive no longer!"

"We can't leave", said Paul, "we have to stay in the Circle"

"HAH!", said Kurt, "THIS is vhat I think of your stupid Circle!"

With that, he stamped on the line and drug his foot across it, bluring out the dividing line. Todd looked at it in horror.

"Oh man, Kurt!", he squeaked, "you let the chaos out!"

"Don't be stupid, Toad", said Lance, "it's a bunch of hoo-hah! No chaos has escaped"

"HEADS UP!"

The pair watched as the football Roberto had been kicking sailed across the yard. It landed with a dull whack on the back of Scott's head. Scott made an 'oof' sound and fell over. His shades fell off his face and the resulting optic blast ripped through one of the buildings, setting it on fire.As the building burned, it set fire to each building next to it, until the entire camp was in flames. Soon afterwards, mutants and humans alike were running around in a panicked fashion, trying to extingush the flames.

"You were saying?", snapped Todd.

"Walk oooooon", sang Pyro happily form within the Circle of Order, oblivious to all that was around him, "With hope in your heaaart! And you'll neeeeever walk alooooone!" (3)

"Pyro, shut up and help!", shouted Remy, then paused, "den again, maybe it's best he doesn't notice de fire...he'll only make t'ings worse"

"A bit late now, anyway", muttered Evan as the last remaining building crumbled to nothing.

The boys stood there numbly, watching the ashen dust rise from their shelter and current home. It was silent for a long, long time. They were now, for the better part of the word, homeless. In the middle of the Outback...with night approaching. After a while, the silence was broken.

"Things could be worse you know", said Todd cheerfully.

"How?", asked Jamie.

"How what?", asked Todd, blinking.

"How could they be worse?", said Jamie, gesturing at the carnage.

Todd deflated giving a sigh.

"They couldn't", he admitted, "I lied" (4)

* * *

(1) - More Monty Python fun.

(2) - A tutor from my first college firmly believed this. Then again, this man also launched into a verse of 'Consider Yourself' every time the word 'Consider' appeared in the lesson. He was a great guy, one of my favorite teachers of my lifetime. The fact he looked like Alan Cumming didn't hurt either.

(3) - You'll Never Walk Alone, by Gerry and the Pacemakers. Inspired by a scene from the book 'Hitchhickers Guide to the Galaxy', where Eddie the computer sings this song as the Heart of Gold hurtles towards missiles and certain doom. How much am I looking forward to the movie release? ALOT, that's how much.

(4) - From the old movie 'The Brave Little Toaster', oh, how I loved that movie! I did NOT like the sequels.

Oh, that one was fun. Thsi chapter is proof that me eating chocolate and listening to Monty Python makes my imagination go into overdrive.


	8. The woefull tale of Wombat Boy

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "The whole purpose of this trip is to deepen our relationship without distractionsno radio, no children, no television, no cell phone...my God, what have I done? What have I done!"

Chapter 8 - The woefull tale of Wombat-Boy.

&&&&&

The boy's (and Gelder's) moods had been very sombre since 'the burning incident'. Jack had wandered off to the nearest neighbour, but considering they were a five-hour walk away, no one expected the cavalry for quite a while. Gelder had managed to make a camp fire, thanks to the charred remains of the buildings and a little 'help' from Pyro. Everyone was now huddled around the fire as night closed in, along with all the night-time sounds of the Outback. Jamie whimpered slightly, hugging his arms around himself.

"Don't worry, little guy", grinned Pyro, "none of the things that make those sounds can hurt you"

"Really?", asked Jamie, relaxing slightly.

"Really", said Pyro, then added, "it's the quiet things you have to be afraid of".

Jamie's eyes widened, and he hid behind Freddy. Survival instinct told him that Freddy would: A, be one of those least likey to tell him to go away, and B, be big enough and strong enough to scare away anything nasty.

"Quit scarin' the kid, Pyro", said Freddy, fixing a glare on Pyro.

"Just being honest", said Pyro with a shrug, "there's all those snakes, lizards, spiders, scorpions..."

He trailled off.

"...I don't want to worry anyone", he said, "but some of us might wake up dead tomorrow"

Remy blinked at him.

"How can you...", he sighed, shaking his head, "forget I said anything"

"I know what will cheer us up", grinned Gelder, "CAMP FIRE SONGS!"

"Oh dear God, no", moaned Scott, covering his head.

"I have one", said Ray, waving his hand in the air.

"Thank you, Raymond", smiled Gelder, "it's nice to see someone volunteer for once"

"I was walking in Memphis", sang Ray, grinning evily in Roberto's direction, "I was walking with my..." (1)

"I DO NOT LIKE THAT SONG!", screamed Roberto

"I saw the ghost of Elvis", sang on Ray, before a small rock hit him on the head with a thwack.

"Now, now, Roberto", smiled Gelder pleasantly, not seeming to notice the fact Ray was now face-down on the ground, "there's no need to resort to violence"

"In this group, there's EVERY need to resort to violence", pointed out Lance.

"Well, this is all the mutie's fault", grumbled Duncan, "if this had been a human-only trip, none of this would have happened"

"Oh, will you turn off THAT record?", snapped Pietro, "'mutants are bad', 'mutants are evil', seesh, give it up"

He shot a glare at Paul.

"And you need to decide who's side you're on, you fence-sitter"

Paul blinked nervously from where he'd been sitting in a corner, trying to be ignored by everyone.

"I errr...", he stammered.

"Leave Paul alone", said Scott moodily, "if he wants to grab a pitchfork with the rest of them, let him"

"I didn't say anything about pitchforks", Paul mumbled quietly.

"You don't have to SAY it", said Evan, glaring at him, "it's in your eyes"

Gelder could see that the situation was deteriorating rapidly, and she, the only adult around, would have to do something to defuse it.

"How about a campfire story?", she tried.

"Oh, I have a camp fire story", said Todd.

"Then go ahead, Todd", smiled Gelder sweetly.

"Once upon a time", started Todd, "I was somewhere better than here. The end"

Gelder blinked once.

"Oh", she said, "that was...err...that was nice, Todd"

She glanced hopefully around the fire.

"Anyone else?"

"I am being too busy pretending I never left Russia", said Piotr, closing his eyes.

"Ooooh. Oooh, I have one!", said Pyro, waving his hand, "a real Austrailian one!" (2)

"Oh yes, because ve haven't experienced enough of real Austrailia already", snapped Kurt, holding his head in his hands...he hadn't felt quite right since the Monty Python incident.

"Oh, I think it would be a wonderfull story", smiled Gelder, "please, tell it, St. John"

"Than you, I will", smirked Pyro, ignoring the groans from the other members of the group.

He paused for a few moments, in an attempt to build atmposhphere, but as soon as he noticed Lance looking at his watch, he decided it was time to begin.

"Years ago, a young boy lived in the Outback", he said darkly, "this boy loved nature, and would often go wandering into the bush to watch the animals as they went about their everyday buisness. His parents always told him not to wander too far, but one day he did"

"Because characters always do stupid things like that", said Scott, "I tell you, if people followed the rules, there's be alot less bad things in the world"

"And it would be a world in which we'd all look like Scott", said Todd.

"THE HORROR, THE HORROR!", screamed Lance.

"Oh, shut up", snapped Scott, crossing his arms, "I'll just not speak from now on, okay?"

"Okay with me", grinned Remy.

Pyro blinked at them all, before shrugging and continuing with his story.

"Soon, it got very dark, and the boy realised he was lost. He knew it wasn't safe to be outside in the outback at night without protection.."

"Like ve are now?", asked Kurt pointedly.

"Shut up and listen to the story!", snapped Pyro, "anyway, he soon came upon a wombat hole, and climbed into it for the night"

"...Humans can't fit in wombat...", started Sam, but was cut off by Pyro.

"This was a SPECIAL wombat hole, as it was magical", said Pyro, "anyway, the boy soon drifted off to sleep. When he awoke the next day, he saw the owner of the hole had returned. This was no ordinary wombat. This was a MAGICAL wombat"

"...A MAGICAL wombat?", snorted Pietro, "COME ON!"

"This from someone who recently shared a tank ride with a mutant kangaroo named Booga", said Evan flatly.

"...Point proven", said Pietro, then nodded at Pyro, "continue"

"The wombat was not pleased that his hole had been used, as wombats are grumpy little things", continued Pyro, "the wombat said 'I shall have to dispose of you now, for you know my secret of being magical'. The boy pleaded with the wombat not to kill him. 'I'll do anything', he said".

Pyro made the fire flicker ominously for effect.

"The wombat decided that, if the boy wished to live, he would have to do so in a way he could never tell anyone about the magical wombat", he said, "and so, he preformed a cruel transformation spell on the boy. He began to turn the boy into a wombat".

"...Oh boy", muttered Roberto, rolling his eyes.

Pyro chose to ignore this.

"Unfortunately, the magical wombat's concentration as broken when the boys father appeared, looking for him. As such, the spell was only half complete", said Pyro, "the magical wombat hid himself away as the father arrived. He did not recognise his son, no one would have. The boy now had a wombat's head, his hands and feet were now wombat feet and paws, with long, digging paws, a stumpy tail stuck out from behind him, and his body was covered in grey fur. He still stood on two legs, but his spine was bent out of shape, so he stooped"

"What did the father do?", asked Jamie, wide eyed as he peeked out from behind Freddy.

"He RAN", said Pyro, "he ran and never looked back. The boy still roams the Outback to this day, looking for the magical wombat to make his transformation complete. They say, sometimes, when you're out in the bush at night, you can hear his feet scraping and shuffling along the ground. And so ends the woefull tale...of Wombat Boy"

Pyro looked around his audience for a moment, a wide grin on his face. The entire group blinked as one, before Duncan spoke.

"That has to be the crappiest story ever told by an idiot, in the history of crappy stories told by idiots"

Pyro's face fell.

"Hey, shut up, it's a true story!", protested Pyro, "my mum told me so!"

"Maybe your mum is crazy too", muttered Duncan under his breath.

FWOOOOOOFMMMMM!

A large section of the camp fire formed into a rather large hammer.

"What did you say about my mother?", screamed Pyro, his eye twiching.

"Now, now, boys", said Gelder, "it's not nice to insult people's mothers, or play with fire"

"He started it", snapped Pyro, pointing at Duncan, who was trying to edge away form the fire-hammer.

"Put the fire back where it belongs, Mr Allerdyce", said Gelder, putting her hands on her hips.

"Fine", muttered Pyro, allowing the hammer to become part of the cmapfire again, then said darkly to Duncan, "you're on my list"

"Well, this was the end to another fun-filled evening", said Freddy sarcastically.

"Yeah, and local stories too", snorted Ray, "Wombat-Boy. Seesh"

&&&&

Jack muttered darkly to himself as he trudged along the road. What were the chances of getting a flat at at time like this? He could swear, someone, somewhere, was laughing at him. When he found out exactly WHO was laughing at him, he'd be sure to have a heavy, blunt object close at hand.

"You wouldn't be laughing THEN, would you?", he screamed at the sky, "WOULD YOU!"

It was then something happened that he hadn't been expecting. Someone answered him. Actually, it was more of a scuffling sound than any actual answer, but still..

"Who's there?", asked Jack, flashing his torchlight all around him.

"Grrsshhhhhh", came the response.

Jack narrowed his eyes, turning the torchlight towards the sound. He gave a gasp as it fell on a mishapen thing.

"...Well...bloody hell".

&&&&

(1) - Walking in Memphis, it's been done by many, many artists. Take your pick. 

(2) - Which of course, this one isn't. Unless by some remarkable coincidence, it is.

Ahh new realms of madness. Do review. Until next time...


	9. Checkin' checkouts

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "If that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate to see what the sad one looks like"

&&&&

I appologise to all for the lateness of this chapter. I got Java back on my computer and went back to obessively updating one website and creating another. Oh another note, boo hiss, and stomp on FIRST, they take away the scripts, now song lyrics are no longer allowed. That means no musical. That makes Todd Fan a most unhappy person. Drat and drat again! I'll have to take down my musical or risk having my account suspended...which is something I don't especially want to relive. It happened to me once before, and it wasn't a plesant experience. Sorry guys, blame the evil dictators who sap any and all creativity until it no longer resembles artistic tallent.

Chapter 9 - Checkin checkouts

&&&&

After the Wombat Boy story telling, everyone had decided to be quiet, in the vain hope that silence would make their suffering go as quickly as possible. They were wrong, of course, but at least they tried.

"I'm boooorrreeed", moaned Pietro.

"Really?", hissed Roberto icily, "we never would have guessed. Why, you've only told us TWO HUNDRED TIMES already".

"Did you know you get moody when the sun goes down?", asked Pietro cheerfully.

Roberto blinked once, before narrowing his eyes.

"That's it, I'm going to kill him", he said, standing up.

"No one is killing anyone!", snapped Gelder, "so sit down and SHUT UP!"

Roberto quickly sat down, looking at Gelder in shock. Well, THAT was an interesting outburst.

"...Sorry", he said weakly.

"That's better", said Gelder, putting her hands on her hips, "how do you boys expect to survive the wilderness if you keep fighting all the time. The answer is teamwork"

"No", said Bobby, "the answer is making a poll to see who gets eaten first. I vote for Fred".

"Oh, sure", said Freddy, throwing his hnads in the air, "everyone wants to eat the fat guy first!"

"There's more meat on you", said Kurt with a shrug.

Freddy smiled politely.

"And I guess you idiots have forgotten one teeny tiny detail", he said, "MY SKIN IS INDESTRUCABLE!. How, exactly, to you plan on eating me?"

Everyone blinked as one.

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that", mused Bobby, then shrugged, "okay, we'll eat Kurt first"

"HEY!", snapped Kurt.

"We can think of you as a little, blue, pig", smiled Bobby.

"Can we please move away form this conversation", snapped Gelder, "I've heard it too many times already! Look what you've done to James!"

"There's no place like home, there's no place like home", chanted Jamie continuously, closing his eyes.

"It doesn't work unless you're wearing red slippers", said Duncan, then coughed, "...not that I know or nothin'"

"Duncie's off to see the wizard", sang Scott, "the wonderfull wizard of Oz".

"Shut up, Summers", growled Duncan.

"You'll find he is a whiz of a wiz", sang in Todd, "if ever a wiz there was"

"You too, Tolensky", snarled Duncan, "the coach made us watch it to boost morale, OKAY!"

"Suuuure, they did, Duncan", smirked Lance, "you keep telling yourself that"

"If he only had a brain", said Bobby shaking his head.

"Okay, that's it!", snapped Duncan, "I'm taking you all on, right here, right now!"

"Mr Mathews, SIT DOWN", screamed Gelder, "ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE OUT HERE!"

There was suddenly a screech of tyres as a large, familiar SUV pulled into the remains of the camp.

"Guys", shouted Soctt with a nervous giggle, "I'm halucinating again"

"If that's true, so am I", said Pietro.

The SUV pulled to a stop and Jack jumped out.

"I found THESE on the road", he muttered darkly, jutting a thumb at the SUV.

Rather sheepishly, Jean, Kitty and Amanda stepped out of the SUV, followed by a less sheepish-looking Wanda. Scott whimpered, backing away.

"Don't sting me again, Jean", he sobbed, "I love you, I don't want to be prickled again!"

Jean blinked at him.

"...Oooooookay"

"Scott had a teensy weesny bit too much sun", said Ray, pinching his thumb and forefinger together.

"What are you guys doing here?", asked Sam, arching a brow.

"We escaped, okay!", snapped Kitty, "you guys came to ruin our camping experience, so we thought it was only fair we'd ruin yours!"

"You're more likey to save it than ruin it", pointed out Kurt, bamfing happily over to Amanda to glomp her, "don't ever, ever leave me alone again"

"There there, Kurt", she said, patting his head, then handed him a chocolate bar, "I got you a treaaat"

"I LOVE you", said Kurt, grabbing the chocolate with glee.

"How, exactly, did you get out?", asked Remy.

"Oh, we got the others to distract the Professor while we made off with the X-Jet", said Kitty with a smile,"we packed Jean's SUV in back and away we went!"

"And you'll be going 'away' right back", muttered Jack, "you're NOT supposed to be here! I am not running a camp with girls in it!"

"What camp?", asked Wanda, looking around the wreakage.

"The camp that was here before these idiots burned it down!", screamed Jack, "And you're going home, and you're going home right no..."

"We have the Professor's credit cards", pointed out Jean helpfully.

"You're staying and driving us to a hotel", said Gelder quickly.

"WHAT?", shouted Jack, "they are supposed to be roughing it, staying in a hotel is not roughing it!".

"We. Are. Going. To. A. Hotel", said Gelder with deadly calm, "you can stay here or come wiht us. So, where is the nearest hotel, huh, Jack?"

Jack narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms.

"It's a 7 hours drive away, you know", he muttered.

"We have a jet", said Jean, "we can get there much quicker"

Jack looked around his destroyed camp and let out a sigh.

"Fine, but only for a few days"

&&&&

As Jean had promised, it wasn't long before the group were gathered in an old, dusty building that was just about a hotel.

"This is wrong, so very wrong", muttered Jack darkly.

"There's nothing wrong with staying in a hotel", said Gelder.

"THAT'S what they said about the Overlook", retorted Jack. (1)

"For the last time, Todd, I'm not going to be that thing's mother!"

To the amusement of the small crowd watching, Wanda was (for the twenty fifth time since she arrived) telling Todd exactly how she felt about Lucy the Cane Toad.

"But I adopted her, snookie", sniffed Todd, "I thought we could be a family"

"I've been really, really, REALLY understanding in our relationship so far", said Wanda, "but this is where I draw the line. NO!"

"Awww", said Todd sadly, patting Lucy's head, "don't worry, Lucy, Mommie will learn to love you one day"

"Hardly bloody likey", muttered Wanda under her breath.

"Here we are!", said the bellboy happily breaking in, "these rooms are all yours"

He gestured to a few rooms.

"Six sets of rooms for three", he said, "and one room for five".

"Yes, yes, thank you", said Jack grufly, pushing him away, "go mop a floor or something!"

Gelder, meanwhile, was dividing the rooms out.

"Okay, Lance, Scott and Duncan got to that room", she said, "Remy, James, and Fredrick, that one. Piotr, Samuel and Paul, that one. Evan, Pietro and Roberto ta..."

"Are you aware that most of these combination will cause hell on earth?", asked Jack.

"It will teach them to co-operate with people they don't usually co-operate with", said Gelder, then carried on, "Todd, Raymond and Kurt, that room. And finally, St.John, Roberto to that one, Jack, you can stay with them"

"Oh goodie, stuck between a meltdown and an ice age", grumbled Jack.

Gelder looked at the girls.

"I will be staying with you, she said happily, "Here we are, room 217!"

"Red rum. Red rum", chanted Wanda monotonally. (2)

"Okay", said Gelder, ignoring Wanda's comment, "once you've settled in, you can explore, but stay within the hotel grounds, okay? And I want you all up bright and early tomorrow. Just because we're away from the camp doesn't mean we can't do our activities"

A collective groan came up from the group.

"Now now, don't moan, at least you're getting some freedom before it"

It would be a freedom she would soon regret giving.

&&&

(1) - The Overlook is the cursed hotel from Stephen King's 'The Shining'. Yeah, I'm on a King kick at the moment.

(2) - 2 more refences to The Shining. Room 217 was the REALLY cursed room, as for Red rum for those who have neither read the book nor seen the movie, spell it backwards.

Wee, another chapter done, albeit a little late. I'm pretty sure I remembered everyone for their rooms, if not, don't hesitate to point it out.. Do review, until next time..


	10. The drunken chapter

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Sugar? Who needs sugar? Not me. I quit...this morning"

&&&

Hey all, I know this is later, it'll be a normal thing for my fanfics until after the exam period is over, my last exam being the 10th of June. After that, however, I can finally get the 9th Sidney Chronicle up, wee!

Oh yes, the legal age of drinking in Oz is 18, as it is in the UK. Pyro can indeed buy drinks (I THINK he's around 18) though the sneaking them to the kids is illegal. But Pyro doesn't care about legal, let's face it.

&&&

Chapter 10 – The drunken chapter

&&&&

And so, the boys (and very few girls) soon found themselves sitting in the hotel bar and 'community room', which apparently meant the exact same thing. Most of the New Recruits had been waiting for Scott to become a 'voice of reason' among them, and tell them to find somewhere else to stay, such as their rooms…they were wrong.

"How long are he and Jean going to stay in that lip lock?", asked Ray, wrinkling his nose.

"I don't know", said Bobby, "they gotta breathe sometime, right?"

"Apparently not", said Roberto, arching his eyebrow before going back to his orange squash.

"Aren't you even going to TRY some alcohol?", asked Ray, "I mean, Pyro's buying and smuggling them across to everyone"

"I AM THE PIXIE QUEEN!", giggled Wanda as she pranced past them all, Todd desperately trying to hop after her.

"Wanda…honey…please put down the fire hose", he winced, "oh, ewww, don't to that. Do you want us banned out of Australia too!"

"I am NEVER drinking again, EVER!", said Roberto, shaking his head, "or do you not remember what happened LAST time I got drunk?"

"Oh yeah, the Elvis tattoo", grinned Sam, "and so course, the marriage to.."

Sam trailed off as Roberto began to squeeze on his arm. Very, very tightly.

"Of you finish that sentence", Roberto warned darkly, "I will rip off your arm and feed it to the nearest wild animal"

"…..A'hm done now", said Sam meekly.

Roberto released his arm, gave a grunt, and returned to sulking in his drink.

Meanwhile, Pyro was handing the last of the drinks rounds. He grinned happily as he deposited two bottles in front of Kitty and Lance.

"I don't drink anymore", said Kitty, "bad things happen when I drink"

Pyro blinked.

"What kind of things?"

"You KNOW what kind of things", Kitty growled.

Lance decided it was time to break this up before it got out of hand.

"…..Is this beer called….Piss?", he asked, squinting at the bottle.

"Yeah!", grinned Pyro, "drink it up, it's GREAT stuff!" (1)

"I'll take your word for it", muttered Lance as Paul collapsed into a heap on the floor.

"Some people", tutted Pyro, "they just can't take Australian beer"

"I can", said Kurt with a grin, "I can take German beer, so this is EASY"

He caught a glare being sent to him form Amanda's direction.

"…Err…not that I drink anything at home", he said with a nervous laugh, "heh heh…. I'm stone, cold sober, honest"

"Humph", replied Amanda, "my boyfriend loves beer. Yeah, THAT'S going to help bridge the gap between you and my folks"

"I hate to break up this happy moment", said Freddy, clearing his throat, "but some of our group are missing"

"Duncan's hiding in his room", slurred Paul from the floor.

"Remy's babysitting Jamie", added Evan, then added with a smirk, "and Piotr is babysitting Pietro".

&&&&&&

"I CAN DANCE, I CAN DANCE, I CAN DANCE!"

Piotr groaned. He KNEW he should have swapped with Remy when he had the chance. WHY didn't he agree to take the kid? The kid was quiet, the kid was good. What possessed him into thinking at Pietro, a teenager, would be more manageable. Heck, he didn't even think someone of Pietro's age would NEED a babysitter. That was, of course, until he learned Pietro had found a packet of barley sugar sweets in his hotel room. It took that ONE packet, and a super-fast metabolism, to start the sugar rush. He'd then gone through all the other rooms, eating everyone's barley sugar. The result of which was the whirlwind which Piotr was desperately trying to catch.

"Can't catch me", laughed Pietro manically, "You're to slooooooow!

"I will not kill him. I will not kill him", chanted Piotr like a mantra as he tried to follow Pietro as the speedy mutant ricocheted off the walls, "maybe I will just break his legs a little. But I will not kill him"

&&&

Remy, meanwhile, was having great fun babysitting. This was mostly due to the fact he'd left Jamie in a corner so he himself could go chat up girls. He had just grabbed the phone number of another lady when he realized that Jamie was no longer in his corner.

"…Uh oh", he said, then frowned, thinking hard.

After a few moments, he began to whistle.

"Heeeeere kid", he called, "come on, kid. Come back to Remy".

….Nothing. It was then a girl's giggle caused him to look up. There was Jamie, talking to the most stunning woman in the room. She made all the girl's who's numbers Remy already had look like exhibits in a freak show. He grinned, smoothing out his hair and strutting over.

"THERE you are!", he said, putting his hands on his hips and looking at Jamie, "I've been looking for you everywhere"

"No you haven't you've been chatting up women", said Jamie.

Remy grinned, putting a hand in front of Jamie's mouth and giving the woman one of his best dashing smiles.

"Was he any trouble for you, chere?", he asked, "if he was, I'm really, sorry. You know kids, non? Dey just…run off de second you turn your back"

"Oh, he was no problem", grinned the woman, ". I'm Tiffany. Are you his brother?"

"Well….", started Remy.

"I LOVE a man who takes responsibility", said Tiffany, batting her eyelids at him.

Remy blinked. He knew when he was onto a good thing.

"Qui", said Remy, suddenly grabbing Jamie and hugging him close, "this poor little kid has no parents. Our father went gay and our mother...err...joined a cult"(2)

Remy gave a sniffle for effect.

"I'm de only family he has, I've been raising him all alone"

"Awwww", said Tiffany, "that is SO sweet. It's so nice to meet a man who can commit".

"Yeah, commit crimes", muttered Jamie under his breath, "Gambit, let me go, you're squeezing my head!".

Remy grinned, ruffling Jamie's head.

"He's such a brave kid", he said, "he'd do anyt'ing for his big brother, WOULDN'T you, Jimmy:

"My NAME is Jamie", scowled Jamie.

Tiffany arched a brow as Remy grinned.

"Dat's a game we play", he said, then walked away, steering Jamie with him, "excuse me for a moment, Stay right dere"

He took Jamie out of the bar and into a corridor.

"Okay, kid", he said, "dis chick obviously loves little kids, so I want you to be good to Remy an' pretend you're his orphaned little brother, okay?"

"A hundred bucks, and we got a deal", said Jamie, crossing his arms.

Remy blinked.

"A hundred bucks?", he hissed, "you little con artist! You t'ink I'm going to pay a hundred bucks to YOU?"

Jamie smirked.

"Oh look, that pretty lady is talking to that other guy with the smile that goes ping".

Remy's eyes widened, before scowling, digging into his trenchcoat and pulling out a handful of cash.

"Here, take it", he said, handing the money to Jamie, "dis better be worth my cash"

Jamie paused, counting his money carefully, before nodding and pocketing it.

"Transition accepted", he said.

He cleared his throat, scuffed up his hair and made his eyes seem a little bit bigger. That done, he grabbed a flower from a nearby vase, and walked over to Tiffany.

"My big brother is really, really shy", he said sweetly, "but he sent you this flower, 'cause he said you were the prettiest lady he ever did saw"

Tiffany blushed, taking the flower.

"Oh, you are SO adorable", she said, kissing Jamie's forehead.

Remy had been watching this with an open jaw, he followed Jamie out, blinking numbly.

"There he is!", said Jamie, grabbing Remy's arm, "hey, big brother, I gave the pretty lady the pretty flower just like you asked".

"Oh...err...good", said Remy.

Tiffany smiled.

"Well, I have to head home now", she said, handing Remy a piece of paper, "here's my number, we should have a meal together".

"Yey, meal!", said Jamie happily.

"And later", said Tiffany in Remy's ear, "we can have some fun of our own"

"Gahh", said Remy as she walked away.

He blinked at Tiffany's retreating form, then back at Jamie, who had straightened out his hair and was leaning against the fish tank with a smirk.

"You are a GOD!", said Remy in amazement, "how did you DO that?"

"Easy", said Jamie with a shrug, "chicks LOVE cute kids"

&&&&

(1) – There IS a beer in Australia called 'Piss'. Honest. Ask the Ausies.

(2) - Oh, sweet Father of the Pride, how I love you! Sarmoti is great.

And there is another chapter done and dusted. The night is not over yet, oh no, more mad antics will unveil themselves, believe you me. Do review. Until next time…


	11. Drunkards wild

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I have to go find my naked friend"

&&&&

I apologize for the lateness of this, exams and Chronicle writing I shall blame. Incidentally, has anyone here read the latest X-Men: The End? Holy mother of crap, I did NOT see that coming.

&&&&

Chapter 11 – Drunkards wild

&&&&

"Twenty one, twenty two, twenty three"

Remy was happily counting the piles of women's phone numbers he'd collected during the night. It had been a good haul.

"I know what you did and I think it's very amoral and wrong"

Remy rolled his eyes, turning to look at Scott.

"Oh, go kiss a cactus".

Scott whimpered.

"I don't like being reminded of that, thank you very much", he said, "and besides, you're the one that's in the wrong. You can't use a thirteen year old to pick up dates for you!"

"I can and", Remy grinned at his numbers, "I have. He's very effective"

It was then Jamie stumbled over, looking slightly dazed.

"What did you **do** to him?", squeaked Scott, "if Jamie gets broken, the Professor will kill me!"

"I seem to have lost a dupe", said Jamie, rubbing the back of his head, "I fell over and he popped out… and then he ran off"

"Well, we'd better go look for him", said Scott with a frown, back into leader mode

Jamie winced.

"That might not be a good plan", he said, "this clone is…err evil"

Scott arched a brow.

"You have an evil clone?"

"Yes", said Jamie, "think of him-me as a really, really evil Bond villain" (1)

"Oh", Remy blinked, "…you're very complicated, you know dat?"

"Well, Remy, you better help Jamie find his clone", said Scott.

"Why ME?", whined Remy.

"Because you're using him to pick up women!", snapped Scott.

"Only a little bit", lied Remy.

Scott crossed his arms, glaring at Remy.

"Well, I hope you're happy, all this chasing around women has landed you and Jamie in deep water", he said, "It's nice to finally see you're getting what you deserve"

"A race car bed?", asked Remy with a happy grin. (2)

Scott groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"No, Remy, not a race car bed".

&&&&

Elsewhere in the hotel, other missing mutants had cropped up.

"Pietro?", shouted Piotr, looking around with a frown, "please be coming back now"

He paused.

"I will give you some candy if you come back"

…Nothing. Piotr narrowed his eyes, muttering darkly to himself in Russian. He was cut off, however, by the sight of Wanda skipping past him… A completely naked Wanda.

"Blessed be", she said, touching his arm before skipping off again, giggling happily.

"Err….. thank you?", tried Piotr, still utterly confused.

Todd hopped by moments later, Wanda's clothes gathered in his arms.

"Wanda, get back here!", he called, "come on, honey, put at least **some** clothes back on!"

"I really, really should have stayed in Siberia", muttered Piotr, "it is being too cold for people to run around naked there"

He shook his head, walking back into the bar, vainly hoping Pietro had turned up there. He had not. Paul was still semi-conscious on the floor, Ray and Evan having killed time by covering him with anything they could find, from coats to cocktail umbrellas. It was like a drunken game of 'Buckaroo'. Roberto and Kitty, it seemed, were the only sober people in the room. However, they sat **very** far apart form one another and avoided direct eye contact at all times.

"I don't suppose you have seen Pietro?", asked Piotr hopefully, "I seem to have.. err.. lost him"

"Haven't seen him", said Roberto, looking at the table, "I haven't seen anything"

"Not a thing", said Kitty, "we're just sitting here, doing nothing. Nothing at all"

"Leave them alone", slurred Kurt, trying to focus on one of the two Piotrs he could see, "they had a messy divorce, it's best to let them sort it out themselves, ja?"

"I said a hundred time already **never** mention that!", screamed Kitty.

"You're just mad because you were the wife of a soon-to-be billionaire and gave it up", smirked Bobby, who was surrounded by ice-sculptures of chickens.

"Am not!", snapped Kitty.

"**SO** in denial", said Freddy.

"Leave Kitty alone", growled Lance, the ground shaking, "if she's happy with someone with no money like me, then good for her"

"You know what's wrong?", said Pyro pointing drunkenly at Kitty at Roberto, ending up missing them both my miles, "you two haven't had any closure"

"We don't need any closure", said Roberto, "we're just fine"

"Nope, you need to talk this out like adults", said Amanda, "then at least you can both be in the same room without making the atmosphere thick enough to cut with a knife"

"I know!", grinned Sam, "whenever me or my siblings had a fight, Momma would lock us in the closet until we sorted out our differences"

Ray blinked at Sam.

"Lucinda Guthrie is a **hardass**".

"You bet she is", grinned Sam proudly, "so, we just stick Kitty and Roberto in a closet, and leave them to it"

"One problem, Smartass", said Kitty with a smirk, "you can't hold me there, I'll just phase through the wall"

"And I can break through the door", said Roberto pointedly.

"I put a spell on yooooou, and now you're miiiiine" (3)

Everyone turned as naked Wanda skipped past them. She paused, cocking her head to the side before zapping Roberto and Kitty with a hex bolt.

"Blessed be", she smiled, then skipped off again.

"**WANDA**", shouted Todd as he trailed behind, "come on, stop it!"

"Heeeeey", said Kitty with a frown, "she took away my powers!"

"Mine too", said Roberto, "….uh oh"

"Freddy, would you do the honors?", asked Pyro with a grin.

"Gladly", grinned Fred, picking them both up and walking off.

"Lemmie go!", snapped Kitty.

"I swear, I'll kill all of you!", warned Roberto.

"Shut up", said Bobby, "this is an intervention"

&&&&

Meanwhile, Remy and Jamie were still on the trail of the 'evil clone'. They had eventually made it to the kitchen, which for some reason, had been deserted.

"Evil me?", called Jamie, looking around the door, "… heh heh, you in here?"

In there he was. The clone looked up as Jamie and Remy entered. Blue lines were drawn across his face, his eyes wild.

"Is that…..magic marker?", asked Remy, blinking.

"FREEDOOOOOOMMM!", screamed the clone, grabbing a mop and wielding it like a sword.

"Oh yeah", said Jamie with a nervous chuckle, "the longer they stay away from me, the more independent my clones get….funny, huh?"

"Hilarious", growled Remy, walking over the clone, whistling, "hereeeee cloney, cloney, heeereee boy"

"That's not going to work", said Jamie, then frowned, "and I'm not a dog"

The clone hissed, waving the mop in Jamie's direction.

"You can't take me back, I'm making a stand!", he shouted, "I want my freedom! You can't make me go back. I'll kill you first!"

"Here's a question", said Remy, "if your clone kills you, would it be considered suicide?"

"I don't know", snapped Jamie, "and I don't want to learn!" (4)

"Look", said Remy, "we got you surrounded. Now, be a good clone and get reabsorbed and we won't have ta knock you out"

"I'll never surrender", growled the clone, "**NEVER!**"

Suddenly, a gust of wind swept by them, along with some manic laughter. Seconds later, both wind and clone were gone.

"Odd, dat sounded just like Pietro", mused Remy.

Jamie sighed.

"We gotta get that clone back, "who knows what he-I'll do if he-me is loose for long"

&&&&

(1) – Yes, he does. He last appeared in Madrox, he isn't very nice.

(2) - From Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends. Such a great show.

(3) – I put a Spell on You – various artists, my favorite is the one in the movie 'Hocus Pocus' by Bette Midler.

(4) – Another question from the Marvel series, said evil clone tried to kill him.. err… them… whatever.

Oh yes, I am back into the swing. More fun of this night in the next chapter. What will evil clone and Pietro do? Will Roberto and Kitty solve their 'issue'? Will Wanda ever put her clothes on? Do review. Until next time….


	12. The flashback chapter

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "It's a flashback. If we were on TV, there'd be those fuzzy little edges all around the picture".

&&&&

Lonegrowlithe – Why thank you, I'm glad that I'm portraying Australia right, yey, I have another Aussie reading this :D

The events of Roberto and Kitty's 'adventure' have only ever been vaguely hinted at throughout the 'pick on a group' stories, in this chapter, you get every drunken detail of the events in 'Sugar and Spice', rejoice!

&&&

Chapter 12 – The flashback chapter

&&&&

BANG BANG BANG BANG

"They've been at that for an awfully long time".

Kurt looked over at Lance. Kurt himself was leaning against the closet door that Kitty and Roberto had been locked into. Sure, it had been about an hour, and they hadn't stopped banging, but still, they had to settle down **eventually**.

"Stop vorrying, they'll be fine", he said with a grin.

"You are **so** dead when I get out of here Kurt", growled Kitty's voice from within

"You're going to be throw rug when I've finished with you", from Roberto.

"I can't hear yoooou", sing-sang Kurt.

"Look, can't we just, you know, let them out?", asked Lance.

"This is for Kitty's own good", said Kurt with a smile, "they'll both be better off once this is done"

The banging suddenly stopped.

"See?", smiled Kurt, "they've settled down, I bet they're talking things through right now"

**BANG BANG BANG BANG **(1)

"Yeah…sure they are", said Lance, sitting down with his arms crossed.

&&&&&

From inside the closet, Kitty sighed, stopping her incessant banging on the door.

"They aren't going to let us out, are they?", she said.

"Not in a million years", said Roberto, "we may die here"

"But I really need to pee", whimpered Kitty, then growled, crossing her arms, "Well, fine, we'll talk, we'll talk about why when we were drunk, you came on to me"

Roberto snorted.

"**Excuse** me?", he said, "I didn't come on to you, **you** came on to **me**"

"That is **such** a lie!", said Kitty, "and you know it!"

"No, it's not", said Roberto, then sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose together, "let's go through this, step by step, yes?"

"Fine", said Kitty, "we got really, really drunk, after we couldn't find Kurt and Amanda, to stop them from getting married"

"And then Tabby took us out for a night on the town", Roberto squinted, trying to force out a repressed drunken memory, "…and somehow left us at the same bar"

&&&&

_FLASHBACK FLASHBACK FLASHBACK_

"I can't believe they ditched us", Kitty sighed, stomping over to the table Roberto was sitting on, "I mean, that's like, so totally unfair!"

"I know", sighed Roberto, "I was telling Tabby about my great new 'Elvis Dictionary' and she just walked off!"

Kitty blinked at him.

"Elvis dictionary?"

"Sim", said Roberto, "you see, I created a plural for Elvis, then it got me thinking, maybe we needed **more** Elvis terms"

Kitty listened, entranced.

"You know, you're right, you could make a **killing**", she said, "the world **loves** Elvis"

"I know", slurred Roberto

Kitty got to her feet, swaying slightly.

"We should start information gathering now, Pryde and DaCosta, on a mission!", she said…then promptly fell over.

"Good plan", said Roberto, getting unsteadily to his feet and helping Kitty up.

"To the **Shadowcatmobile**!", shouted Kitty, waving a finger in the air.

Roberto blinked at her.

"We have one of those?"

"No", admitted Kitty, "but I always wanted to say it"

By some miracle, the pair managed to stumble out of the bar without falling over. Once they were back on the Vegas strip, however, they completely forgot **what** they were doing in the first place.

"Where are we supposed to go again?", asked Roberto, blinking.

Kitty frowned, thinking on this, before grinning.

"**Let's eat grapes!**", she screamed.

'Grapes are good", grinned Roberto, "there's lots of….errr…what's that stuff called, that's in grapes? It's good for you?"

"Calcium?", tried Kitty.

"No", said Roberto, shaking his head, "graptieum, yeah, that's it, graptieum. It's good for the hearing"

"Really?", asked Kitty, wide-eyed, "then we'd better eat **lots** of grapes"

Roberto nodded in agreement, then frowned thoughtfully.

"Now…where can we get grapes in Las Vegas?"

Kitty smiled, dragging him along the strip.

"I found somewhere when we were looking for", she frowned, "who were we looking for?"

"Someone….blue", said Roberto, "it must have been Mr. McCoy. Yeah, we were stopping Mr. McCoy from eating all those cookies"

"That sounds about right", said Kitty with a nod, "yes, that's what we were doing. Anyway, I found this place while I was doing that"

She walked along a bit more of the strip, before stopping outside a wedding chapel, pointing to a sign outside. Roberto leaned forward, squinting at it.

"'Free bag of chips with every wedding'", he said, "chips are the same thing as grapes.. right?"

"Of course they are", said Kitty, dragging him inside, "and they're **free**"

"Free is always good", said Roberto, following her inside.

A woman glanced up form her desk as the pair stumbled inside. She arched a brow at them.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah", said Kitty, waving in the direction of the door, where the sign was, "we want one of those wedding things, to get our free grapes"

"Free…grapes?", asked the woman.

"Yeah", smiled Roberto, "we like grapes. You call them chips"

The woman sighed, looking them up and down.

"How old are you?"

"I'm twenty-five", said Roberto, "and the heir of the DaCosta corporation. I own you"

"Yeah and I'm", Kitty paused, "how old did you say you were, Robbie?"

"Twenty five", said Roberto.

Kitty nodded, waving in Roberto's direction, swaying slightly.

"I'm the same age as him", she said, "give us our grapes"

The woman smiled. She knew a pair of drunk suckers when she saw them.

"You have to get married first", said the woman, "a twenty dollar ceremony entitles you to a bag of chi…err grapes and a discount coupon for Boo Boo's tattoo parlor"

"Wow, a discount tattoo as well?", Roberto grinned, "I call it!"

"Okay", said Kitty, "but only if I get to pick it"

"That will be twenty dollars, then", said the woman, handing them some forms, "and fill these in"

"You have twenty dollars, right?", whispered Kitty.

"I have **thousands** of twenty dollars", said Roberto, "I have enough of them to swim in like Scrooge McDuck".

He rifled through his pockets, finding his wallet, managing to mistake a fifty for a twenty. He smiled, handing it to the woman, who blinked.

"Thank **you**, sir", she said, then added under her breath, "Momma's getting a new pair of earrings"

Meanwhile, Roberto and Kitty had sat down to fill in their forms.

"Do I have a middle name?", asked Kitty.

Roberto squinted, trying to remember.

"Katherine?"

"That's my **first** name", said Kitty, "Oh, I remember, it's Half-Pint"

Roberto squinted.

"Yeah, that's right", he said with a nod, handing the roughly completed forms over to the desk.

The woman blinked at them, they looked like they'd been filled in by blind no-handed five year olds, without and comprehension of the English language.

"That'll be fine", she smiled, then looked at them, "what song do you want played?"

Kitty grinned, bouncing up and down.

"That song", she said, "the one..oh, I forget it's name. It goes 'La de de. De da de. De de de'.

The woman arched a brow.

"I'll see what I can do".

An hour later, Kitty and Roberto left the little chapel, as man and wife, to the sound of 'Cecilia', which was the closest thing anyone could find to the song Kitty kept humming. (2)

Neither of the couple noticed Amanda, Kurt, Todd and Wanda watching then wide eyed as they passed, Wanda catching the bouquet of cheap flowers Kitty had thrown. They stumbled drunkenly off into the night, which to them, was still young. Kitty experimentally tried to eat one of the chips they'd been given.

"**UGH**", she said, tossing the bag down, "they lied to us. These aren't grapes at all!"

"Lets get that tattoo, now", grinned Roberto, "we can eat grapes when we get back to the hotel"

"I know just what to get, too!", squealed Kitty as they entered Boo Boo's tattoo parlor.

When they entered, Kitty walked around the rows of tattoos, frowning in concentration, trying to pick out the right one. Finally, she smiled, pointing at it.

"That one!".

Roberto squinted at the tattoo in question.

"Elvis lives", he said, nodding, "cool, that'll show those people who think my Elvis Dictionary is a stupid idea"

"Can I help you?"

'Boo Boo' turned out to be a six foot odd man, who looked like he'd fallen off a motorbike more than a few times in his life. Not that this deterred Roberto and Kitty.

"We want that one", said Roberto, "for me. See, we got a coupon"

He handed the coupon to Boo Boo, who eyed it with an arched brow.

"When most people get a tattoo after getting married, they have their partners name", he said.

"Well, that makes no sense", said Roberto, "we **know** Kitty lives. She's standing right here"

Boo Boo sighed, he'd tried, he really had.

"Are you old enough to get a tattoo?", he asked, "you look pretty young to me"

"We're old enough to get married!", snapped Kitty, "give him his tattoo, or I'll scream and scream!"

"Okay, okay", said Boo Boo, ushering Roberto to the back room, "seesh"

It wasn't long before the ordeal was over, and Roberto and Kitty had somehow booked themselves into another hotel room.

"Look, I got a receipt and everything!", said Roberto, holding up a piece of paper, "the guy who did it is called Boo Boo". (3)

"Well, it **is** Boo Boo's tattoo parlor, Roberto", said Kitty, matter of factly, then sighed, looking at the now empty mini-bar, "we've drunk everything. What do we do now? I don't want to go outside again, my legs are tired"

Actually, she was so drunk, she couldn't stand up anymore, but that was besides the point.

"What do normal people do on their wedding night?", asked Roberto, "we should have had a pamphlet or something"

Kitty suddenly snapped her fingers.

"Ooooh, **I** remember now!", she said with a smirk, struggling to her feet, making a very good imitation of Bambi on ice, "to the bedroom!"

&&&

_END FLASHBACK FLASHBACK FLASHBACK_

"So….we got married for free grapes, which were actually casino chips, and a discount tattoo?", asked Roberto, blinking.

"Yeah", said Kitty, "man, we were **slaughtered**"

"It's a miracle we didn't need out stomachs pumped", said Roberto, shaking his head.

"I think we sweated out most of it in, ahem, newlywed activities", blushed Kitty, then chuckled, "As I recall, you were pretty good"

Roberto gave his famous smirk.

"You weren't that bad yourself".

&&&

"They've been quiet for an awful long time", Lance muttered.

"Maybe they've finally sorted things out", smiled Kurt, "ve can have them in the same room again vithout feeling uncomfortable!"

There was a crash from within. Lance narrowed his eyes, heading straight for the door.

"That's it, I'm going in", he said, pulling Kurt out of the way, unlocking the door and opening it, "what the…"

Kurt blinked over Lance's shoulders from his place on the wall. Inside Kitty was sitting on Roberto's lap, pulling away from a full on lip lock. She coughed, pulling the strap of her top back over her shoulders from where it had fallen down.

"Errr…. We learned to get along again really, really well?", she tried.

The ground started to rumble, **violently.**

"You're a **dead** man, DaCosta", snarled Lance.

Roberto squeaked, un-tangling himself from Kitty and making for the door.

"I haven't got my powers, it's not exactly fair!", he protested.

"Don't care", said Lance, "I'm going to rip every extremity off your body. And, Robbie, I do mean **every** extremity"

"Guys, we have a **big** problem", said Remy, as he and Scott ran up, "Pietro has joined forces with Jamie's evil clone, who created an army of disgruntled clones, who have taken over the hotel"

"The evil clone took Jamie hostage and they're in the main office, with Pietro guarding the door", said Scott, "we need everyone to try and stop him before he kills the original!"

Lance narrowed his eyes, glaring pointedly at Roberto.

"This isn't over, DaCosta", he warned as the gang raced off to save the world… from a thirteen year old boy.

&&&&

(1) – This was inspired greatly in the Simpsons when Seymor and Edna are locked in a closet to resolve a teachers strike.

(2) – Cecilia by Suggs. Not a weddingy song, by a long shot.

(3) – One of my favorite comedians Dave Gorman did this. He got an American drivers license tattooed on his arm with his face and information on it while very drunk in Texas. I not this man is a Brit, and so his birth date will forever look wrong to him. He was cheap enough to get a receipt, however. 'What was I thinking? That I might take it back!'. And yes, his tattoo was done by a man named 'Boo Boo'.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I enjoyed that chapter, I did indeed. Do review. Until next time…


	13. The evil Jamie

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Superheroes and evil twins go together like peanut butter and... evil peanut butter!"

&&&&&&

Today, I saw my father running the vacuum cleaner over the back yard. Genetically, I am worried for my sanity. There's some random information for you.

&&&&

Chapter 12 – The evil Jamie

&&&

All the mutants Scott could find had assembled to take on the 'Evil Jamie'. Wanda, Todd and, of course, Pietro were the only ones unaccounted for.

"We should find Wanda first", protested Kitty, "me and Roberto need our power back"

"Why?", snapped Lance, "so you can do something kinky in the closet?"

"I told you, we are **not** discussing that right now!", snapped Kitty as Roberto did his best to be invisible.

"Look, have you got any clue how to stop this Evil Jamie?", asked Scott.

Jamie shook his head.

"No, he's really, really evil", he said, "he's probably created his own clone army by now"

"How many clones, exactly, can there be at any one time?", asked Freddy.

"Oh, about forty", said Jamie with a shrug.

"Oh, well dat's just great!", snapped Remy.

"Hey, it's **your** fault", said Scott.

"I didn't make de clone, did I?", said Remy, narrowing his eyes, "Jamie did"

"Sure, blame the youngest, why not, we're easy targets", sighed Jamie.

"Look, fightin' amongst ourselves won't get us anywhere", said Sam, "we need a plan"

"How evil is this clone?", asked Ray.

"You know when I set the Danger Room on you guys?"

Bobby, Ray and Sam gave him a set of hard, cold glares.

"Vividly", growled Ray.

"Well, it's that aspect of my personality…but worse", said Jamie, "he-I doesn't really have the rest of me, things like caring and reasoning, so he-I is a bit…errr single-minded"

"Oh, fantastic", said Piotr, shaking his head.

"Well, **you** were supposed to be watching Pietro!", said Scott, "and now he's out there **helping** the evil Jamie"

Piotr crossed his arms sulkily..

"That idiot was being full of sugar, and runs faster than I am ever being able to"

Scott sighed, shaking his head as the group combed the halls, getting a few odd looks from other visitors to the hotel.

"And I was like, jah, Dude, I'm totally ripping the pipeline"

Scott paused, before a grin crossed his face.

"There's only one person in the whole world I know who is **that** inarticulate!"

He turned a corner, seeing Alex leaning on a wall, talking to a couple of guys.

"**ALEX**!", Scott grinned, hugging his little brother.

"Scott", groaned Alex, "you're embarrassing me in front of the other extreme sports players"

He squirmed out of his elder brother's grasp and gave him a glare.

"You're not following me again, are you?", he asked, "'cause that's really lame"

"No", said Scott, a little disheartened, "the Professor sent us out here on a camping trip"

He gestured to the group of mutants behind him.

"Huh", Alex arched a brow, "the Professor really likes those things, doesn't he? I personally think he gets some sort of sick kick out of it"

Scott bristled slightly, before letting out a calming breath. No. Mustn't kill little brother. He'd be an organ donor match.

"What are you doing here, 'Lex?", he asked.

"I'm here on an extreme sports vacation", said Alex, "climbing big rocks, kayaking through crocodile infested waters, paragliding in…"

"Okay, stop, stop now", said Scott, "I don't want to hear about the different number of ways you can kill yourself, thank you"

"I happen to be very good at it, actually, right guys?", Alex frowned when he got no response, turning around, "awww.. man, you scared them off, dude"

Alex's two friends had noticed the furry blue form of Kurt, along with the red-on-black eyed Remy, and towering above them all, a metal man. They had wisely decided to leave…they'd get Alex again later.

"That's okay", grinned Scott, "you can help us track down Jamie's evil clone"

Alex's eyebrow shot up.

"Jamie's evil….clone?"

"He's very evil", added Jamie helpfully, "you ever had a really nasty bully as a kid? My clones like that?"

"He's like Scott?", asked Alex.

"Hey, I was not a bully!", protested Scott.

"You tried to fed-ex me off to Arizona when I was two", said Alex pointedly.

Jean turned to look at Scott in shock.

"**Scott**!"

"What?", said Scott, then shrugged, mumbling, "it's not like I did it….. I couldn't fit him in the box"

Everyone just glared at him.

"Oh come on, I'm a big brother, all elder siblings bully their younger ones!", Scott protested.

"I would never do that to Snowflake", said Piotr in disgust, "much less when she was only being two"

"Yeah, Scott, you sick, sick, sicko", said Sam disapprovingly, "you're supposed to look after your little siblings. A'hm the eldest of **eight**, and a'h never bullied one of them"

Scott crossed his arms sulkily.

"Let's just move on with the task at hand, shall we?", he said, "how do we capture this evil Jamie?"

"I have an idea", offered Pyro.

"Anyone **other** than the raving maniac want to contribute?", tried Remy, meeting blank stares, he sighed, "okay, what is it, Pyro?"

"Remember when Rabid went into heat and took Sabertooth hostage in the Acolyte base?" (1)

Piotr and Remy shuddered.

"Dat was a bad, bad day", said Remy.

"Yes, yes it was", agreed Pyro solemnly, "but remember how we fed her with drugged meat until she fell asleep?"

"Are you suggesting we throw hunks of drugged meat at this Jamie clone in the vain hope that it'll knock him out?", asked Ray.

"No", said Pyro, "but we find something that Jamie liked to eat, drug **that** and hey presto, problem solved"

"Oh, please", snorted Bobby, "Jamie's not stupid enough to fall for that"

"Actually, yes, yes I am", said Jamie.

Bobby blinked at him.

"….Oh", he said, "…okay then…we'll go with Pyro's idea, then?"

"Somehow, I **know** this is going to be something we'll regret", grumbled Scott.

&&&&&

In his evil lair, which was actually the laundry room of the hotel, the Evil Jamie sat on a dryer, plotting. Next to him stood Pietro, his eyes wide from overdosing on sugar, drumming his fingers together and twitching from time to time.

"What's gonna be out next move, Maaaaster?", he asked, "huh, huh ,huh?"

The evil Jamie considered.

"It is simply, Pietro", he said, "we are going to **take over the world**!"

With that, he let out a booming evil laugh, well, as booming as someone could get without their voice having been broken yet.

"Coooool", said Pietro, "and I can have Candyland?"

The evil Jamie sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Yes, Pietro, you can have Candyland"

"**Weeeeeeeeeee**!", giggled Pietro, "I will be king of Candyland!"

A plate of waffles suddenly skidded through the door across the floor towards Evil Jamie. Evil Jamie blinked at them suspiciously. He frowned, glancing around, who would give him waffles? Unless they were accepting his new place as the leader of the world. Yeah, it was a gift for their leader, the chumps.

"You sure this is gonna work?", asked Lance.

"Yeah", said Jamie, "I love waffles, can't resist 'em. Tasty waffly goodness…" (2)

He whimpered.

"It sucks my clone is getting them and not me"

"I still think this is stupid", said Kitty, "The last time Pyro and Jamie had an idea together resulted in that stupid Y.A.M.S thing"

"Hey, Y.A.M.S was great!", protested Jamie.

"AT it's peak, it had **three** members", said Roberto pointedly.

"So, we were slow at recruiting", said Pyro, "given time, it would have been something great, mate"

"I have never been so glad that I live on a little island away form the lot of you in all my life", mused Alex.

The evil Jamie looked over at the waffles, giving them a sniff, he frowned, looking at Pietro.

"Eat one", he said, "there is something wrong, here"

"I thought you said you were stupid enough to fall for it?", hissed Scott at Jamie.

Jamie gave a shrug.

"We-I am", he said, "but we're not going to eat anything without having someone trying it first. Not after eating Kitty's cooking"

"My cooking is not that bad", growled Kitty, trying to keep her voice down.

"You **killed** one of my clones", said Jamie pointedly, "with a doughnut"

Meanwhile, Pietro had dutifully sat down to eat a waffle, of course, with his fast metabolism, the sleeping pills smuggled inside him in a matter of seconds. He fell flat on his face, snoring. The evil Jamie narrowed his eyes, glancing towards the door.

"Clever", he called, "but not clever enough"

"Okay, that's it", said Scott, "Plan B!"

He set off an optic blast, hitting the ceiling above the evil Jamie, which came down on him with a thunk.

"Owww!", said the original Jamie, clutching his head, before glaring at Scott, "two words: Empathic. Link!" (3)

The rubble moved and three Jamie clones stepped out. The middle one glared.

"Okay, who wants to die?"

"My Gods, he's like the **terminator**!", said Evan.

"I can't believe your plan was to drop something on his-my head", said Jamie, looking at Scott as if he were an idiot, "considering I only duplicate when something **hits** me!"

"I wasn't thinking straight, okay?", snapped Scott.

One of the Jamie's form the right gave a war scream, launching himself at Remy's head, yanking at his hair.

"Owww!", shouted the Cajun, "get dis t'ing offa me!"

"This is worse than that day Cookie tried to eat Lucid's leg", mused Evan, "Caliban learned to keep her on a leash from then on in"

"He should visit Warren's alligator sanctuary sometime", said Sam, "all that overgrown pigeon talks about is his lost Cookie"

"This is a lovely little chat", snapped Scott, "but can we save it until **after** we've stopped the kid with plans for world domination?"

"Oh, I'll do it", said Bobby, freezing one clone in place.

"Cold", juddered the original Jamie as he reached up and absorbed the clone that was trying to chew Gambit's ear off.

"Only one of you left, evil Jamie", said Jean.

"Heh, I can make more of me-us", smirked evil Jamie, "you can't stop us all!

Suddenly, Wanda, still naked, skipped in.

"Blessed be", she said, sending a hex at the evil Jamie, who remerged with the original.

"Wow, I could never remerge my clones without touching them before", said Jamie, impressed.

Wanda nodded, then clicked her fingers at Roberto and Kitty, giving them their power back. With a giddy laugh, she stumbled forward, tripped over her unconscious twin, and fell asleep on the floor. Todd hopped in seconds alter, carrying her clothes.

"Oh, thank god, she's stopped!", he said, starting to dress her again, "man, I'm never lettin' her drink again, yo"

Alex went over and tapped the frozen Jamie.

"What are we gonna do with this one?", he asked.

"Oh let him defrost, I'll absorb him later", said the original, "that's just my disgruntled self anyway"

"I want to keep him as a pet", grinned Pyro, "I'll call him 'Cloney' and we can go for walks and play Frisbee"

"**I AM NOT A DOG!**", screamed the original Jamie.

"Okay, okay, seesh", Pyro muttered sadly, "I only want a little clone pet"

"Trust me, you don't want them", said Sam, "they get everywhere"

"And they're a pain in the ass", said Ray.

"I hate you all", Jamie announced.

"See, Jamie's got his bad emotions back", grinned Kurt, "everything is right in the vorld again"

"Oh my Gods, where have Kitty and Roberto gone?", Lance narrowed his eyes, the ground shaking, "I bet they've gone in that closet. I'm going to neuter that smirky little…."

"The Maximoff twins both might need their stomachs pumped", added Freddy.

"Aren't we supposed to be up in, like, four hours to do that task for Gelder?", piped up Evan.

"….I'd like very much to lie down now", said Scott.

&&&

(1) – Rabid, you may remember, is the tiger Sabertooth and Jason 'rescued' in 'Teacher Training'.

(2) – Cruise Control, anyone?

(3) – Yes, Jamie shares an empathic link with his clones, if one dies, or gets seriously hurt, he blanks out.

&&&

And so is the fall of Evil Jamie. Do review. Until next time…


	14. Jungle boogie

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Ahhhhh! Nature! It's all over me! Get it off!"

&&&

Red Witch – Yes, that IS insane. While we were in Florida, all of us automatically made the beds each morning. Of course, we made them the British way, so every time we returned, we found the maid had re-made the beds…and yet, we **still** made them…Yeah.

For those that loved my musicals, I have started again on the Nutboard, the link is in my author profile. Oh and I apologies if I get distances wrong here, I'm assuming you'd need a plane from the outbacks of Queensland to Lamington…but I'm not good at distance, so if I'm wrong, the Aussies may flog me, I do love a good flogging.

**&&&**

Chapter 13 – Jungle boogie

**&&&**

By the time the next week had rolled by, things were almost back to the way they had started their..adventure..almost. A couple of days after the girls' escape, Logan and Hank had appeared in the Velocity, both rather angry that the girls had stolen the X-Jet and forced them to travel back in the much slower heli-jet. As a result, Hank had intense jetlag, while Logan 'needed beer'. After both issues had been attended to, the girls were thrown unceremoniously into the X-Jet, which Hank piloted back, Logan following in the Velocity.

Wanda had taken Lucy the Cane Toad with her, promising Toad she would put the thing in a tank and give her lots of love an affection while she 'settled into her new surroundings'. Kurt had to be prized off Amanda's leg before the human could go home, while Jean had attempted to 'make a run for it'. Kitty had left rather happily, telling anyone who would listen that she would one day be Mrs. DaCosta….again.

The boys, now without female company, bar from Gelder, had gone back to sinking into varying states of depression. Or fear, in Roberto's case, as Lance had promised to 'get him good, when he least expected it'. Scott was sad, losing both his girlfriend and his brother, who had gone off to do some extreme sport that he wouldn't quite disclose. Scott decided he wouldn't be surprised if the next time he saw his baby brother, Alex would be in a full body cast.

Gelder and Jack had herded the group together and piled them into a rented car, driving them off to the nearest 'airport'…or rather, dirt track. Scott blinked, looking around him as they parked next to an airplane, making him squeal with delight.

"We're going home!", he cried happily, "you see the plane? The plane means we're going home, home, home, home!"

"Errr….no", said Gelder.

"No home?", asked Scott, heartbroken.

"We're going to Lamington National Park", smiled Gelder, "so you can appreciate the wonderfully diverse wildlife of Australia"

"I had enough of the 'wonderfully diverse wildlife' after the dingo incident", grumbled Remy.

"..W….wait", stammered Lance, "w…we ha…have to f..f..fly there?"

"What's the matters, Alvers?", smirked Roberto, "you chicken? Cluck cluck cluck"

Lance turned a death glare on the Brazilian.

"He's made enough at you as it is, Roberto", pointed out Sam, "do you really think provoking him is a good idea?"

"I'll get you when the sun goes down, DaCosta", growled Lance, "I'll get you good"

"Just shut up and get in the plane", said Gelder, "I can't believe Logan pretended he couldn't see or hear me, even when I was right in front of him"

"That's because he blocked you from his memory", muttered Scott under his breath as they all got into the plane.

As soon as everyone had piled in, Jack got into the pilot seat and started up the plane. The engine made an odd chocking noise, before the whole plane shuddered.

"Is there something wrong with the plane?", asked Lance, panicked, "**is there something wrong with the plane!**"

"There's nothing wrong with the plan, ya galah", snapped Jack, "clam down before I give ya a sedative!"

He gave the control panel a sharp kick and the engine spluttered into life.

"There, good as new"

Lance gave a whimper, before passing out.

"…At least he's calm now", said Gelder helpfully.

**&&&&**

Lance had stayed 'calm' all the way to the National Park, when the plane landed, the group had to carry the unconscious mutant into a waiting truck, which took the depressed boys to their destination. Lance awoke to find Pyro grinning as they parked in the car park.

"This is **so** cool", grinned Pyro, "I used to come here as an ankle biter".

Lance looked at him groggily.

"Ankle biter?", he asked, "geez, Allerdyce, you have some weird fetishes"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that", said Pyro, giving him a glare.

A woman suddenly walked over to them, a huge smile across her face.

"G'day and welcome to Lamington National Park", she said cheerfully, "you're the Xavier-Lensheer party aren't you?"

"Those are the very men who sent us on this torturous experience", said Todd, then blinked as everyone looks at him, "I mean, yeah…those're the jerks…yo"

"You have to stop watching the Discovery channel, Toad", said Pietro, "it makes you think you're smarter than you are"

"Oh, leave him be", said the woman, still smiling, "My name's Sindi, and I'm going to be your guide!"

"She sounds spookily like Gelder", muttered Ray under his breath.

"Maybe they were separated at birth?", asked Remy.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous", said Gelder.

"They got a point", said Jack.

"I said don't. Be. Ridiculous", growled Gelder dangerously.

"..Okay, seesh, sorry", Jack rolled his eyes.

"Right-o", smiled Sindi, clapping her hands together, "would you like the guided tour, or would you prefer to have a map and go about on you own?"

"On our own!", shouted Scott, "**on our own**!"

"Are you sure?", asked Sindi, "because I can give a really good talk on…"

"We are fine being on our own", smiled Piotr, then whimpered, "please"

"Oh…", Sindi frowned, "….well…okay…just stick to the trail, okay?"

"We will", said Pietro, snatching the map off her.

"Come on, Jack", smiled Gelder, grabbing his arm, "let's leave the kids learn by themselves, you can buy me a drink at the bar"

"…But I don't want to", whimpered Jack.

"Too bad", growled Gelder, "you're gonna!"

"Someone got over Logan", said Evan with a smirk.

"Nah", said Remy, "she's on de rebound. Dere will be tears before bedtime…..or during"

"I think I should take the map", said Scott, snatching it off Pietro, "I'll make sure we don't get lost"

"Considering Pyro's the only one of us that ahs ever been here before, shouldn't it be him?", asked Bobby.

Scott gave him a cold, hard glare…or at least tried to through his shades.

"And I thought you were on **my** team", he said, then snorted, heading into the forest, "don't worry about it, we won't get lost"

**&&&&&**

"We're lost"

Scott twitched slightly, turning his glare to Jamie.

"We are **not** lost", he growled, "we are just misplaced"

"That's Summers-talk for lost", said Freddy.

"Good", said Lance, "that means I can kill Roberto after sundown, no one will ever find the body"

Roberto whimpered, choosing to hide behind Freddy.

"Oh God, ve are going to die here!", wailed Kurt, "ve are going to be eaten by something with a stupid name!"

"Hey!", said Pyro, "our animals don't have stupid names! You want to know a stupid name? Nightcrawler. That's a **worm, **you know"

Nightcrawler whimpered, looking at Scott.

"You promised me it vasn't a vorm!", he said, "you said everyone else was lying! You're the one vho lied. **Liar!"**

"Thanks a lot, Pyro", said Scott with a sigh, "you want to talk stupid names, what about yours? Who names their kid **Saint** John"

Pyro's eye twitched as he made a 'neeh' sound.

"My name is **NOT** Saint John", he growled, "it's St.John. Say it with me Sin-Jin, Sin-Jin! Not Saint John. Why do you idiots make the same mistake all the bleedin' time? It's not said like it's spelt! It's Sinjin, Sinjin, **SINJIN!**" (1)

"He does not like to be being called Saint John", whispered Piotr unhelpfully.

"Okay, sorry", said Scott, "but 'Sinjin' is a really stupid name, too"

"No it's not", sniffed Pyro, "I don't say you guys have stupid names"

"You just made fun of Kurt's!", snapped Bobby.

"That was his codename!", protested Pyro, "not his real name! There's a **vast** difference! You pick your own codename….me Mum named me St.John"

The Aussie gave a sob.

"I miss Mum!", he cried, "I want to go home!"

"Pyro, you **are** home", said Remy pointedly.

"This is not Sydney", said Pyro, "we haven't seen Sydney once!"

"Yeah well…..that's too bad", said Scott, unfolding the map, "now. Let's get our bearings, just to help us, not because we're lost…which we aren't".

Duncan yawned as the group sat down to look at their map. Why should **he** lower himself to look at the map with those freaks? Huh. The tree above him began to rustle, causing him to look up. Blinking down at him was an adorable little koala.

"Go away, flea bag", he said.

The koala blinked at him as it chewed on a eucalyptus leaf. Duncan narrowed his eyes.

"Okay…maybe you're a little bit cute", he admitted.

He gave a look at the group, who weren't paying the slightest bit of attention to him, far too engrossed in their map. He grabbed a handful of leaves, reaching them out to the koala.

"Here you go, little guy", he smiled, "you hungry?"

The koala blinked at him, then at the leaves. It blinked once more, before hissing, dropping onto Duncan's head, digging it's claws into his skull.

"Oh my God", squeaked Duncan, "guys…guys…."

They ignored him, in fact, Sam, Bobby and Ray began to sing, causing the rest of the group to join in.

"Top of the world, lookin' down on creation and the only explanation I can find", sang the small group, completely oblivious to Duncan running around trying to dislodge the koala from his head, "is the love that I found, ever since you been around…" (2)

"Help me!", screamed Duncan, "it's killing me!"

"Oh look", said Bobby calmly, "Duncan's being mauled by Blinky Bill"

"Should we save him?", asked Paul.

"No", said Ray, "if you want to help your fellow Flatscan than go right ahead"

"Hey, Human, wanna answer me a riddle?", smirked Todd.

"Not really", said Paul.

Todd ignored him, carrying on heedlessly.

"Adman an' Eve an' Pinchme went out ta sea", he recited, "Adam an' Eve drowned, who do ya think was saved?"

Paul blinked at him.

"Pinchme?", he tried.

"Okay", grinned Todd, suddenly pinching Paul's arm and laughing. (3)

Paul looked at Todd, then at his arm, before screaming. Loudly.

"That. Is. **IT!**", he snapped, turning to glare at the mutants, "all through this trip you people have treated me like a doormat, and why? Because I don't have some godamn power to soot eye beams, or make the ground shake, or whatever the hell it is that creepy cloning kid does! Well, I have had **enough**"

He jutted his thumb behind him to where Duncan was lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood, the koala having gotten bored and left him.

"I am **not** like Mathews. I never have been, and I never will be", he said, "Mathews is a bigoted jerk, but have I ever said anything nasty to you people? No. Did I treat you like dirt like Teryn did? No!. You all just assumed because I was human I would hate you, geez, get off your pity party already!"

He pointed at Kurt.

"His girlfriend is human, but you don't say anything to her, why, exactly? Because she knew what you were before you were exposed to the world?"

"No because Kurt would bite us if we treated her badly", said Todd, "..plus that girl can throw a mean punch"

Paul ignored this comment, rounding on Scott.

"And **YOU**", he snapped, "I was your best friend, and you couldn't tell me about this before hand? What, you didn't trust me? And after you were exposed to the public, you just hid yourself away with Jean. You go about saying I abandoned you, you didn't even give me a chance. You were too caught up in feeling sorry for yourselves, you didn't think for one second what impact it would have on us 'Flatscans' as you call us"

"Paul…it might be an idea to take a deep breath now", suggested Scott.

"Ooooh noo, I don't to take a breath, no, not me", snapped Paul, "I'm obviously not worth the air you 'higher evoluntionaries' use anyway, right? Well, screw you, screw all of you! I'm going off in this direction, and I don't give a rats ass what the rest of you do!"

With that, Paul marched off into the jungle, stepping over Duncan as he went.

"….Wow….Paulie finally flipped out", said Bobby.

"We'd better go after him", sighed Scott getting up, "Freddy, will you carry Duncan?"

"Can I drag him instead?", asked Freddy.

Scott considered this for a moment.

"Yes, yes you may"

"Okey dokie", grinned Freddy, grabbing the jock's legs and dragging him along the ground as they headed off after Paul.

It didn't take them long to catch up to Paul, who was standing at the edge of the forest.

"Paul", said Scott, coming up, "look, man, I'm sorry, I…"

He blinked as he followed Paul's line of vision.

"It's the car park!", said Sam, "he found us our way out!"

"How the hell did you do that?", asked Evan, blinking.

"I don't know", shrugged Paul, "I haven't gotten lost since puberty"

Everyone blinked at him.

"You're messing with us", said Pietro.

Paul smirked.

"Surprise"

&&&&

(1) – Yes, it is. A bit of me got out there, too. It annoys the crap out of me that he's called 'John' in the movie. It's St.John, pronounced Sinjin. Then again, the movie didn't give him an Aussie accent either, so there you go. I admit, my earlier works do call him John.. until I learned the truth. Yup.

(2) – From Friends, TOW The Blackout, no doubt my favorite episode ever. The scene always makes me laugh. Replace koala with cat and you got it down.

(3) – A friend pulled this on me once, when we were about 9. I can't even remember which childhood friend did it, only the pinching incident stayed in my mind…and the fact I stopped talking to her soon after said pinching incident. Yes, I hold grudges for a long, long time.

That ending came as much as surprise to me as it may have done to you. I just typed it at the end of the chapter….when my muse does things like this, I don't argue with it. Do review! Until next time…


	15. Just visiting

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and it is frowned upon in most societies".

**&&&&&**

Chapter 14 – Just visiting

**&&&&&**

The weeks after the fateful reserve visit had passed quickly, and the boys soon found themselves on the day before they were due to go home. Paul had endured much quizzing, to which he would explain, many time, that he could always find himself 'un-lost'. Scott had decreed that he needed to go to the mansion and be checked out by Cerebro. Paul told him exactly where he could put Cerebro, and the mansion. It wasn't a pleasant place. Needless to say, the two hadn't talked much after that. Today, however, today was different, the sweet smell of freedom was in the air, just one day left to endure. Just. One.

"As seen as it's your last day", said Jack, smirking at them, "I decided to let you explore wherever you want to…as long as it's in Australia. The Professor financed it so there are three planes waitin' to take you wherever you need to go, but you have to remain in groups of three or more..now…."

"I want to go to Ramsey Street!", squealed Pietro

Pyro looked at him flatly.

"You ARE aware it's just a street, right?", he asked, "that the characters don't actually live there?"

Pietro's lip quivered before he coughed.

"I knew that", he said meekly.

"Fine", said Jack, "who else wants to go with Weird-Boy to see the Soap-Opera street?"

"Not me", said Pyro, "I'm using this time to visit me Mum and Dad"

He smiled politely at the group.

"Anyone can come if they want to, my folks won't mind"

"I think I will", said Freddy

"Are you **crazy**?", asked Todd.

Freddy shrugged.

"I'm curious to see what being could spawn something like Pyro", he said, "besides, I'd really like a home-cooked meal"

"With the Allerdyces, it's probably a home **incinerated **meal, yo", muttered Todd.

"Food is food", said Kurt, "I'm in"

"Where do you want us to send the bodies?", chuckled Lance.

"Hey, stop picking on my parents!", snapped Pyro, "they're good people!"

"Well, I am wishing to visit Uluru", said Piotr, "I have always been wanting to paint it"

"Yeah", grinned Duncan, "and we can see that Ayers Rock place too!"

"……No, I am not even going to dignify that with an answer", said Piotr.

"Fine, fight out who's going where amongst yourselves", said Jack, "I'm going to the nearest bar and staying there"

"I'll come with you", grinned Gelder, "We can spend some quality time together"

She batted her eyelashes at him, and Jack stepped **well** back.

"**Hell**, no!"

**&&&&**

After much squabbling, the group had split into three, with only Jack and Gelder staying behind. Hunger and sheer curiosity had got Freddy, Kurt, Ray and Sam had headed off to Sydney with Pyro to see his parents.

"…Well….it looks like a normal house", said Ray, blinking up at it.

"To be honest, I was expecting a mental asylum", said Kurt.

Pyro either didn't hear, or chose not to hear their comments as he happily walked down the path, leading his band of not-so-sure followers behind. Before he even got to the door, it flung open and the teen was engulfed by a very large, red-headed woman.

"My baby's come home!", she screamed happily, the top of Pyro's head being just visible over her arm.

"….Not breathing", gasped Pyro's muffled voice, "…Mum…not breathing"

She let him go, and grinned at the others.

"Oh, and you brought friends!", she grinned, "ripper! Come on in, guys"

She happily bustled back inside, taking her son with her.

"…If any of us die in there", said Freddy, "whoever's left has to take the body out"

"Agreed", they said in unison, following the Allerdyces in.

Once inside, Pyro's mother gave them a grin, looking at each of them in turn. Kurt was quite thankful he'd put on his image inducer.

"It's nice to see St.John has so many friends", she grinned, "I was so worried he'd be all alone in America. So, how do you find Oz?"

Sam, having been trained from birth to always, always, **always** be polite to adults, gave her a smile.

"It's very nice, Mrs. Allerdyce"

"Oh, call me Vicky", she said, "St.John, take your friends to the living room, I'll go and get your father. **ANDREW!**" (1)

They winced as the large woman bustled out.

"Your mother frightens me", whispered Kurt.

"Mum frightens a lot of people", shrugged Pyro, wandering off into the living room.

Sam paused as they passed by a framed newspaper clipping on the wall. He blinked at it, before squeaking, yanking back the closest person to him, who happened to be Ray.

"Oww, what?", asked Ray, narrowing his eyes as Sam whimpered, pointing to the clipping, dated twenty two years ago.

_Volatile Vicky Free To Go_, read the headline, _After spending twenty years of her life in the Home for the Mentally Disturbed and Bewildered, Vicky Tomlinson was released with a clean bill of health yesterday. The young woman, who earned her nickname 'Volatile Vicky' had been placed in the care of the home at the age of sixteen, after her strange mood swings and pyromania caused her to set alight the boyfriend who cheated on her. The Sydney native stated she was glad to be able to go home, and rebuild her life again._

"…….Oh lordy", said Ray, "madness **is** genetic"

Vicky grinned as she walked in, dragging a slightly tired-looking man behind her. She smiled, nodding at her clipping proudly.

"I told them I was fine", she said, then patted her husbands arm, "besides, it let me meet Andy here"

"Dad was assigned to keep an eye on her", said Pyro, then added in a mumble, "he's a fireman" (2)

Kurt could hold back the sudden laugh from within him.

"Really?", he asked, "vow, how does that vork?"

"How does what work?", asked Andy, blinking and cocking his head to the side.

"Vell, you know, your son and the vhole fire……", Kurt trailed off as Pyro made frantic 'cut-throat motions' behind his parents back, "...hating?"

"Very well", said Andy proudly, "St.John knows all about the dangers of fire, one day, he might follow in his Dad's footsteps, huh son?"

"Heh", said Pyro, slightly nervously, "yeah….right"

The group twitched in unison, obviously trying very hard not to collapse into a fit of laughter.

"Well, I bet you guys are starving!", said Vicky, "I'll make some grub!"

She headed off to the kitchen, Andy following her.

"I have to keep an eye on her, you know..with the cooker", he explained as he vanished.

As soon as both Allerdyce parents had gone, the group blinked at Pyro.

"…What was **that** surreal piece of the twilight zone?", asked Freddy.

Pyro sighed.

"My parents don't know I'm a mutant, okay?", he said, "they think I went to America as an exchange student"

"So they don't know about the fire..thing", asked Sam.

"No", admitted Pyro, "and you guys can't tell 'em. Oh, man, if they found out, I'd be dead!"

"But they're your parents", said Kurt, "I'd have thought it voudln't matter"

"Did you not hear what my Dad does?", asked Pyro, "he's a **FIREFIGHTER. **He wants me to be part of the family business. Can you see that happening? Really!"

"How on earth did you manage to hide this from your parents for so long?", asked Ray.

"By being very, very careful", said Pyro, "so ixnay on the powers-ay. And whatever you do, don't call me Pyro"

"….I wish I'd gone to Ramsey street", sighed Kurt.

**&&&&**

"Neighbors, everybody needs good neighbors!".

Scott groaned.

"Pietro, for the love of all things decent", he said, "Stop. Singing"

"Nut this is Ramsey Street!", said Pietro, "this is where the magic happens! Any minute now, we'll see Harold and Lou…or Karl, oh, or even, Cyndi! She can give **me** a lap-dance anytime she wants, rrooowr!" (3)

"…You are a weirdo of the most supreme kind", said Roberto.

"You're only here because you're hiding from Lance", sniffed Pietro.

"Yes, I am", said Roberto, "do you think I'm loco enough to go to a place with a **big rock** where a guy who **controls** the earth wants me **dead**!"

"Well, if ya hadn't slept with Kitty again, then he wouldn't want ya dead, would he?", quipped Todd.

"Oh, go catch a bug, Toad", said Roberto, watching as Pietro dashed around, taking pictures.

"Can't you find any of the actors, Mr. Un-lost?", asked Pietro, giving Paul a poke.

"Last time", said Paul, "it doesn't work like that. I can find myself back form places I would otherwise be lost in, but I can't find things or people

Pietro blinked at him.

"Man, your power's more crappy than Toads!"

"Hey!", said Todd, crossing his arms, "my power 'aint crappy, thank you very much"

"Is too", said Pietro, then sighed, "well, we'll just have to sit here and stake them out!"

"…Pietro Maximoff wants to stay in one place for a long time", blinked Roberto, "put it in the history books"

"Guys, how much longer do we have to stay here?", whined Jamie, "and why couldn't I have gone to the big rock?"

"Because I'm not letting you anywhere near Gambit again", said Scott, "not after the whole Evil Jamie business"

"But he's gone deep, deep down now, I swear", tried Jamie, "come on, Scott, this is duuuuuull"

"Look, it's no more interesting at Ayers Rock", said Scott pointedly.

**&&&&**

"Wow, this is **awesome!**"

The third group had got to Ayers Rock to find they weren't technically allowed on or near it. Of course, that wasn't going to stop a bunch of mutants. After taking a quick poll, the group of Remy, Duncan, Lance, Bobby Evan and Piotr realized there wasn't one among them who cared much about the rules, and thus Bobby had iced them all to the top of the rock, bar Piotr, who had settled himself down some distance away form it to paint the thing.

"So, this is it", said Bobby, glancing around, then sighed, "…it doesn't do much, does it?"

"Of course it doesn't, it's a rock", said Evan, taking a few pictures, "I only came because Callisto wants pictures of this hunk of earth"

Lance seemed to have zoned out, sitting in a meditative position on the rock.

"I am the rock", he chanted, "I am the earth, we are one"

"….Is he okay?", blinked Bobby.

"He'll be fine", grinned Remy, "let him enjoy his powers"

Remy's eyes wandered to where Duncan was sitting…very, very close to the edge of the rock. Remy looked at his bo staff considerately. He could, if he wanted to, get rid of this mutant hater, before he grew up to be someone who would no doubt oppress them all….it was very tempting. Remy blinked as an angel and a devil appeared on either shoulder. The angel looked frighteningly like Warren, while the devil looked like Kurt.

"….I need to stop drinking tequila", muttered Remy, shaking his head.

"Go on", said Shoulder-Warren, giving a smirk, "push him off the rock, you know you want to"

"No", said Shoulder-Kurt, "that vould be vrong. He could die"

Remy blinked.

"…Aren't you guys supposed to do dis de other way around?" (4)

He looked at Duncan as he scrawled 'Die Mutie Scum' on the rock.

"He has simply lost his vay", said Shoulder-Kurt, "a kind vord will show him mutants aren't all that bad"

"Don't listen to **that** guy", said Shoulder-Warren, jerking a thumb and Shoulder-Kurt, "He's trying to read you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that **rocks!**" (5)

Remy frowned.

"Shoulder-Warren does make a very compelling argument", he said, then looked at Shoulder-Kurt, "plus, Duncan really has it coming to him"

"He's a jeeerk", sang Shoulder-Warren, then smirked, "besides, who do you listen to more, me or him?"

"….I got nothing", said Shoulder-Kurt with a shrug.

Remy smirked, 'accidentally' flicking out his bo staff, watching as Duncan screamed, rolling down the side of the rock.

"Whooops", he grinned.

There was a metallic **clunk as **Duncan hit Piotr at the bottom.

"Oww!", came Piotrs voice, "Remy, why did you throw Duncan at me for?"

"My Shoulder-Warren told me to do it"

Piotr blinked, putting Duncan's unconscious form on the ground, going back to painting.

"Remy, you really have to be laying off the tequila"

**&&&**

(1) – Pyro's parents were never mentioned in the comics. In fact, the only family he alluded to in the comics was an unnamed grandmother, so these are completely made up. Of course, I hardly ever randomly name characters, Andrew and Vicky were the names of the parents of the pyrokenetic Charlie in Stephen Kings 'Firestarter'.

(2) – Inspired by the Tim Burton 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'. Burton gives Wonka a back-story, his father being a dentist. I really liked the idea of a son having a job which actually is antagonistic to that of his fathers. Great stuff. Burton rules!

(3) – Neighbors is the only soap I watch, and even then, it's sparsely, I can go for weeks without seeing the thing, then randomly watch it.

(4) – I wish I could take credit for this, but I can't. I saw this in fan art once, by Andy Diehl with Logan in place of Remy (pondering on hitting on Jean), it was absolutely fantastic…and very true to character.

(5) – From the Emperors New Groove. It had to be used

And there we go, the next chapter will be the last. Do review, until next time…


	16. America again

Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Yes, your planet called, said your mission on Earth was over and could you go home"

**&&&&&**

Large parts of this fic were inspired by my favorite episode of the ace Britcom 'The Young Ones', 'Bambi' (AKA the University Challenge one). So much was used in fact, I'm stating it up here instead of having a billion footnotes. I recommend this show to anyone with a bizarre sense of humor.

**&&&&&**

Chapter 15 – America again

**&&&&&**

"Be it ever so huuuuumble there's no place like hoooooooome".

The group groaned as Bobby began to sing…again.

"Bobby, shut up", snapped Ray, "now"

"But we're going home today!", grinned Bobby, "home, to America. Away from this hot, sweltering oven of a country!"

"Hey!", snapped Pyro, "just because you can't handle the heat, doesn't mean you can diss Australia"

"Oh well, you'd know all about heat, wouldn't you?", asked Bobby, "maybe we should ask your father, _the firefighter_ what he thinks?"

"Don't make me melt you", growled Pyro.

"You know", observed Remy, "you guys sound like a low budget porn movie"

"Trust **you** to know that, Gambit", said Scott disapprovingly, "and be quiet, there are young ears listening?"

"Who me?", Jamie gave a disgruntled snort, "I've seen Good Will Humping three times now" (1)

"That's…..mildly disturbing", said Sam, "how did you manage to do that?"

"Scott has this biiiig pile of them at the bottom of his wardrobe", grinned Jamie, "along with some whips, chains and assorted materials made out of leather"

"No I don't!", screamed Scott.

"Well, well", grinned Lance, "quite kinky, aren't we, Summers? I never figured Jean as a dominatrix type"

"All lies, I tell you", cried Scott, "**LIES!**"

"Will you all stop bloody shouting, I have a headache!", snapped Jack, approaching the group, carrying a pile of large black bags.

"When do we go home?", asked Freddy, "please say now"

"Not now", said Jack, putting the bags on the ground, "these need to be taken to the launderette. Logan said he wasn't flying anywhere with bags that smelt of toxic waste"

"Laundry", whined Pietro, "who wants to do laundry?"

"No one", said Jack, "that's why I'm hand-picking a few of you to do it"

He smirked, pointing at Pietro, Todd, Remy, and Kurt.

"You. you, you, and you"

"Vhy?", asked Kurt sadly.

"I don't like you. And **you**", he glared at Remy, "are still in trouble for throwing the jock off the edge of Ayers Rock"

"Mmff mffmle", said Duncan, from where he'd been propped up against a wall in a full body cast.

"What about everyone else?", asked Todd.

"They get to clean up the hotel rooms", said Jack with a pleasant smile, causing a groan from the group, "I don't care, get to it, **now**"

**&&&&&**

After struggling with the vile black bags, Pietro, Remy, Todd and Kurt finally got them down to the hotel's launderette. Once there, they gathered around the first black bag, staring at it.

"Bagsie not me to open it", said Pietro.

"How about we rock, paper, scissors it?", offered Todd.

"Oh, just get on with it!", snapped Remy, pulling open the bag and reeling back with a squeak, very nearly falling over.

"Man, that **is** bad", winced Kurt, "how did they get so smelly?"

"You mean besides the jungle, desert and other fun locations?", asked Pietro, then blinked as something slivered out, "**something's alive in there**!"

The 'something' was a green sock. It slid out of the bag and moved across the floor.

"Oh, I was lookin' fer that one!", said Todd with a grin.

The sock reared up like a snake observing the quartet of mutants, before making a dash towards Kurt.

"Arrghhh!", yelled Kurt as the sock lunged at him, "I'm being hassled by a killer sock!"

"Todd, you've been told a thousand times", snapped Pietro, "if you can't keep control of your socks, you shan't be allowed to have any"

"You mean this happens **regularly**?". asked Kurt as he jumped on top of a washing machine.

"Oh yeah", said Pietro, "we can't explain it, it's kinda like that little city we found growing on the green stuff at the back of the fridge"

"The only thing Freddy won't eat", smiled Todd, "good times"

"Can you please help me?", squeaked Kurt as the sock began jumping up, trying to get him, "kill it!"

Remy began smacking the thing with his bo staff, causing the sock to shriek in pain, before lying still.

"Danke", said Kurt, hopping off, looking at it, "that's…scary"

"Well, lets get these things washed, then", said Todd, picking up a handful of clothes, as if nothing had even happened.

As if knowing their fate, every single machine suddenly locked it's own doors.

"Houston, ve have a problem", said Kurt.

"Okay", said Remy, levering his bo staff against one of the doors, "if we pull it, we might get it open, oui?"

"That's you're bright idea?", asked Pietro, incredulous.

"It's either dat of blow it up", said Remy with a shrug.

"I hate manual labor", sighed Pietro, walking over with Kurt and Todd, pushing down on the staff, forcing the door open.

"Go, go, go!", shouted Todd, bracing his legs on the floor as he held the door ajar, Kurt and Pietro quickly shoving the clothes in, then ramming the door shut as the machine bucked like a bronco.

"Vell, **this** is fun", snapped Kurt, _bamfing _on top of the machines and putting some change in it, "next time, let's go have out legs sawn off!"

The machine hummed to life, the boys letting out a collective sigh of relief.

"Only eight more bags to go", said Pietro, "want to fight with another machine?"

"Non", said Remy, sitting down, "I'm going to sleep"

Pietro cocked his head to the side.

"Aren't you going to wash that manky trench coat of yours?", he asked, "I've never seen it off you"

Remy looked at Pietro as if he'd grown an extra head.

"My trench coat **never** gets washed", he said, "an' if you try to take it from me, I will break your legs an' make you eat dem"

"I don't think he wants you touchin' his trench coat, yo", whispered Todd unhelpfully.

"Freak", muttered Pietro.

"Cheer up, guys", said Kurt, "could be vorse, ve could be cleaning the rooms!"

**&&&&**

"Dukes, what are you doing?"

Freddy blinked over his shoulder at Scott.

"I'm putting all the hotel amenities into my suitcase", he replied, "what does it look like I'm doing?"

"You can't do that!", said Scott, "it's against the rules!"

"Oh no!", said Freddy in mock shock, "how awful of me. Thanks, Scott, you've shown me the error of my ways"

"There's no need to be sarcastic about it", muttered Scott, "I guess I should be thankful you're not trying to steal my girlfriend"

"Once!", said Freddy, "that happened **ONCE**, let it go. Geez, you X-Men hold a grudge"

"You kidnapped Jean, took her to an abandoned warehouse and tied her to a chair", said Scott flatly, "are you surprised, really?"

"I only had the best intentions", sniffed Freddy, "at least I could tell her how I felt, unlike **someone** who tortured her by dating her best friend and avoiding her whenever he could"

"He's got you there, Scott", said Evan with a shrug.

"I was just biding my time!", snapped Scott huffily, "at least my dates don't involve getting tied up"

"From what Jamie said he found in your wardrobe, I'd have thought it would be a key element in your dates", smirked Pyro.

"Mhffm mfuthhm", said Duncan.

"Oh, don't even get me **started** on you", said Scott, "you're worse than Fred!"

"Ooooh, mints!", said Freddy, "pity they only give you so many of these"

"Problem solved", grinned Jamie, taking the mint off him and banging his fist against the wall.

One Jamie holding one mint became six Jamie's holding six mints, they remerged into a whole, Jamie giving Freddy the now handful of mints.

"I want to adopt this kid", said Freddy, "really"

"This is wrong, it's stealing", said Scott again, then paused, "Alvers, leave Roberto alone!"

Lance looked up from where he had been trying to push Roberto out of the hotel window.

"But…"

"Look, I know you're mad about Kitty, but killing him won't solve anything", said Scott.

"It'll make me feel better", said Lance.

Scott sighed, holding his head in his hands.

"Is it time to go home yet?"

**&&&&**

Now onto their fifth load, the group on laundry duty were getting bored…very bored. Kurt and Remy were playing Go Fish, Todd was hunting cockroaches, and Pietro….

"Hands up who likes me", he said suddenly.

No one even so much as flinched.

"Got any threes?", asked Kurt.

"Go fish", said Remy.

"Ooooh a crunchy one!", said Todd happily.

"Ugh, do you **have **to do that?", grimaced Kurt, "it's disgusting"

"No, they're fulla fiber", said Todd, "if they were mashed up an' covered in chocolate, you wouldn't know the difference"

"I think I vould", said Kurt.

"I said, hands up who likes…", repeated Pietro, a little louder this time

"We heard you the first time, Pietro", said Todd, "no one likes you"

"Why?", asked Pietro with a whine.

"You got a week?", asked Remy, "dat's how long it'd take to list de ways dat we don't like you"

"Fine that's it!", cried Pietro, "I'm going to end it all, that'll show you!"

He zipped away, returning with a large jar of tablets, throwing them down his mouth.

"….Can you actually kill yourself with laxative pills?", asked Kurt, squinting at the label.

"I don't know", grinned Remy, "but Gambit's gonna stay an' find out"

"Everyone will mourn my death!", cried Pietro, still popping pills, "there will be shrines everywhere, and people will come from miles to sob and cry.. And people will say: 'Why are the kids crying'?. And they'll say: 'Haven't you heard? Pietro is dead!' And then…."

Pietro's eyes suddenly widened.

"…..I gotta go!", he screamed, dashing off in a flurry of wind.

The group blinked at him before shrugging, going back to what they were doing.

"Got any fours?"

"Go fish"

**&&&&&**

A few hours later found the group packing their things into the Blackbird, Scott having gone as far as giving Logan a hug, promising he'd be the best X-Man in the world as long as he was never subjected to such torture ever again. Logan had pleasantly told him to get off before the sliced his head off….Scott complied.

"Guys", said Pyro suddenly, "I\m staying"

………

Pyro blinked at the silence.

"I expected more of a reaction than that, actually"

"Well…we were kind of expecting it", said Sam with a shrug, "we've been bettin' on times for when you decides.. who got today?"

"Me!", grinned Evan, "bring on the moohlah"

"So…you won't even try and make me stay?", asked Pyro, a bit disappointed, looking over at the Acolytes.

"Not really", said Piotr with a shrug, "I am still planning to be smuggling myself back to Russia….one I am able to find a box big enough to hide in"

"I don' really care", admitted Remy with a shrug, "less stuff'd get burned dis way"

"That's right", smirked Ray, "think about it, Pyro. If you stay here, you won't be able to use your powers ever, ever again, or your parents will find out"

He chuckled.

"Imagine, never being able to manipulate fire ever, ever again", he said, "your Dad'd probably keep you away from it, 'cause it wouldn't be safe. You'd have to get rid of all your zippo lighters and…"

"Ray", said Bobby, clearing his throat, "he's already in the jet"

"Wow", said Ray, "that was easy"

"Thanks a lot, Sparky", muttered Todd, "now we're gonna have him comin' around to the house again', tryin' ta steal matches. We were _this_ close ta gettin' rida him. **_This_** close"

"Okay, Kids, "let's go home", said Logan, starting up the jet.

"Mhffpm, muffph", said Duncan.

"Hey, think yerself lucky I'm flyin' you, Evan an' Paul home", said Logan, shaking his head.

"Advance Australia Fair", sang Pyro sadly as the jet took off, leaving the land far behind, "In joyful strains then let us sing, Advance Australia Fair" (2)

"Oh Gods, is he going to be at that all the way?", moaned Kurt.

"Hey, it'll drain out the sounds of Pietro in the bathroom", shrugged Todd.

"I'm really not feeling very well", came Pietro's meek voice.

"You brought it upon yourself", said Remy with a smirk.

"Hey guys", piped up Jamie, "when we get home, will it be today, tomorrow or yesterday?"

"…..Here we go again", sighed Scott, banging his head against the window, "I'm never leaving the mansion again"

END

**&&&&&**

(1) – Good Will Humping is one of the many fake porn titles used in Friends.

(2) – Though I'm sure I've already mentioned it, 'Advance Australia Fair' the national anthem of Oz.

And there's this story finished, the 4th in the series, weee! As for the next group to be tortured, it's a toss between the Morlocks or the Acolytes….I dunno yet. Do review, and thanks for reading!


End file.
